"Beef Cows" Don't Go on Vacation... They Die

 

(Told in six scenes)

Once upon a time, I was traumatized by my mother. Well, if we're honest, I was traumatized by my mother repeatedly. Take for example when I innocently asked her what a tampon was. That conversation left me in tears and vowing never evereverevereverever to have sex. Ever. This is not that story, though. That will come at a later time, because I actually just now remembered that it even happened. And, it is quite funny. So, why not share it with the public?

This story is about how I came to know the difference between a cow raised for beef and a cows raised for milk. I am not sure the technical, rural farm terms. I just call them "Beef Cows" and "Dairy Cows." If I'm incorrect, don't judge me. If I'm right, by all means, please praise me openly in public with confetti and parades.

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Scene 1 gives some background for the typical relationship that I would have with "my" cows.

I grew up across from a cow farm. Every once in a while, I would get brave and cross our street to feed the cows a blade or two of grass. Then I would get grossed out as they cleaned out their noses with their long, slimy tongues and make a sound that was a cross between a wretch and a scream and sprint back to the safety of my yard.

I felt like me feeding the cows meant that we bonded. Sometimes the cows would go on vacation for a while, but then they always came back to eat my long blades of grass and taunt me with their booger-tongues.
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Scene 2 is a conversation with my mother.

I'm not sure what age I was when I declared to my mom that I had named one of the cows "Buster." She went along for a few moments with me. Then, she quietly told me that the cows that I grew up mooing to and feeding grass were probably not the same cows that I saw before they went on vacation.

In my innocence, I thought, "Oh, poor mom. She just doesn't know things like I do. Poor thing. I will just try to show her that they are the same cows."

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Scene 4 is my mission to inform my mom.

All the cows had tags on their ears. I knew that these were like a name-tag that you would wear on the first day of school, except at school, they didn't make you wear your name-tag as an earring.

I thought that if I could just make a cow be best friends with me, then she would see that the same cows live at the farm for always. Just like us. Except they didn't have a tree house. That would just be silly.

So, I braved crossing the street.

I went over to feed the cows a few blades of grass. I started referring to them by the numbers on their earrings.

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Scene 5 is another conversation with my mother.

Although an entire year hadn't gone by, I wanted to make sure that my mom knew that I was about to help teach her something. My mom was my mom. She was an adult. Adults don't always like it when kids tell them that they are wrong. So, I wanted to prepare her for the situation to make it less awkward. It was the right thing to do, right?

Me: "Hey, Mommy. I have something to tell you."

Mom: "Okay."

Me: "Remember how you told me that the cows are different when they come back?"

Mom: "No."

Me: "You did."

Mom: "Okay."

(Clearly my mom had been just as concerned about this topic as I had)

Me: "Well, I am going to show you that they are the same cows."

Mom: "But, they're not. You can't show me that because they are completely different cows."

Me: "They are NOT! They are my cow friends!"

Mom: "Maybe these are your cow friends, but then they go away, and they don't come back."

Me: "No they don't! Friends don't do that!"

Mom: "Honey, we need to talk."

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Scene 6 is me being traumatized.

My mother decided that it was her duty to keep me informed. In that moment, she made a decision that scarred me for years. Well, okay, that's not true. The truth was that it only freaked me out for a day or two, but in the moment, it felt like I was going to be sad forever.

My mom said, "You know how when we grill hamburgers and those taste good? Or when we stop and get fast food? Or when we have steak and baked potatoes? That is beef."

She paused to give me a moment to process.

"Where do you think beef comes from?"

Me: "From beef."

Mom: "Right. But, beef is made of something. Like how mashed potatoes are made from potatoes. Beef is meat. It comes from an animal. Do you know what animal?"

Me: "No....."

At this point, a dim lightbulb was being lit. I was starting to get it, but not ready to admit where she was going with all this "beef comes from animals" talk.

Mom: "Beef comes from cows. The cows across the street are not 'Dairy Cows,' that we get milk from. If cows are not 'Dairy Cows,' then they are 'Beef Cows' and we eat them."

Pause for processing.

Mom: "Are you understanding what I'm saying?"

I understood.

I swore off beef for the rest of my life. That lasted about a week.

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And that is how I learned that "Beef Cows" don't go on vacation. They die. And then I eat them.

Tick Tock...

Twelve Days. Twelve short days until I embark on a new journey. It seems like just a few short months ago, I was moving to Lynchburg to start over. My plan was to attend grad school and enjoy the mountains. God's plan was so much bigger.

He needed to mend old wounds. He needed to show me Himself in all aspects of life. He needed to walk me through messes, mistakes and sin. He needed to reveal to me that I wasn't truley His. He needed to show me what it was to stop running. He needed to show me love.... friendship.... surrender.

And boy, did He ever!

So, now I am moving back to Ohio not defeated as though things didn't work out here in Lynchburg, but as a New Creation. I am not the same person that I was when I came here. I belong to My Creator, My King, My God. I am His daughtor.

And maybe Ohio is colder and flatter and it doesn't have quite as many any mountains.... but it's where He told me to go. And so I'm going and holding onto His promises, expecting miracles and opportunities to give away what was given to me.

In 15 months, He has changed me, and I am forever grateful.

As my time here draws to a close, I am finding that He is showing me how to tie up loose ends and have the conversations that need to be had. So that I can drive out of this town with the knowledge that I did my best to honor Him in all areas of my life- including moving back to Ohio.

I will be cherishing every person, every hug, every inside joke, every opportunity and taking nothing for granted.

Lynchburg, you have been good to me. So very good.

You will always be a special part of "home" for me.

Are You Willing?

A few weeks ago, my church had a service dedicated to celebration and worship. Baptism. Just typing that word makes me excited. And hopeful. And honestly, a little weepy.

This is from my baptism in September, 2012.

Baptism to me is more than getting sprinkled with water, more than going for a quick dip in a tub or pool of water. It is taking a step of obedience in front of our community. It is continuing in the obedience that God has called us to. It is an incredible thing to watch, especially at my church. If you haven't ever been to Blue Ridge Community Church, take a second and click on this link. It will send you to one of the services that just took place.

Because I serve on the Praise Team at our church, I had an opportunity to serve at all three services. I got to bear witness to story after story of life change and freedom. It was a beautiful thing.

Not too long ago, I stood on that very stage and told my story. I was scared and excited and overwhelmed. The feeling afterwards was incredible, though. Because I had finally surrendered my life to God, I needed to also step out and make my decision public. I was taking a chance and putting myself out there. There were a lot of insecurities that were involved in the process, but ultimately God made it clear that I was doing exactly what He wanted me to and exactly the right time.
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While I was watching these stories, God spoke to me in true "Abba Father" form. He showed me myself in all of their stories. Showed me their sacrifice. Showed me their boldness. Showed me their courage. Then He showed me who He was and where He was in all of it: in control.

These are the words God spoke to me: "I know sacrifice. I know what it is to let go of something that I care about. I know what it is to say goodbye. I understand completely what I am asking of you, and I am asking, 'Are you willing?'"

This was a new step. He already knew that I was being obedient and moving back to Ohio. He knew that I was packing thing after thing. He knew that I sold my furniture and threw things away. He saw me and what I was doing.

But, now He is addressing the condition of my heart. Where is my heart in this? Is He going to need to drag me kicking and screaming back to my family? Is He going to need to put me in my place time and time again as I try to make my own plans and have my own agenda?

Or am I going to go willingly?
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How many times in our lives do we begrudingly do the things that we know we are supposed to do, but complain along the way? Doing the chores our parents ask us to, but complaining the whole time. Apologizing to someone we hurt, but hiding pride and bitterness.

Moving to Ohio to love and serve my family, but crying and complaining as I pack and say goodbye.

I am not saying that's where my heart is, but that's definitely where it was headed.
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Poverbs 4:20-27: "My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil."

 

Above everything that we do, we need to pay close attention to the condition of our heart. Everything. Every. Thing. Everything we do is a result of what we allow in our hearts.

 

This includes doing dishes, and apologizing and moving to Ohio.

 

Maybe Ohio is boring. Maybe I will feel useless. Maybe Certainly it will be colder than VA.

 

But as I go, I need to make sure my heart is soft to what God is saying and free from anything that will hinder my ability to fully glorify Him.

Leaving on a Jetplane?

My efforts to stay on top of writing on this blog and continue to process through what God is showing me were taken over by a big life event.

The event itself is twofold:

1. My Grampy started his battle with mesothelioma about a month ago. The news itself was not a shock to me, which I credit to years of watching medical-related TV show (thank you, Shonda Rhimes) and symptoms which I suspected pointed to cancer. But, it is still difficult to picture someone that has always appeared strong and invincible as strugglng and weakened.

All my bag are packed... I'm ready to go... (Well, almost)

2. I have decided to move back to Ohio. This was a long and complicated decision, but surprisingly not a hard one to make. Why? Because I can trace back how God has been preparing my heart for the past year (yes, year) to go back and love on my family. At first I wrestled with feelings of sadness and grief over leaving people that are so close to my heart. But then as God comforted me and began confirming over and over again that this was the thing He had for me, I began to get excited.

3.5 weeks from now, I will be rejoining my family in Ohio. I will begin a New Journey as a New Creation sharing New Love. I will be seeking community, and clinging desperately to the God that I now can call Abba Father. And I know that He is going before me in all this- every last step of it- to prepare a way for me to do the things that He is asking of me.

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I am so reminded of the passage in Matthew 28, when Jesus commissions His disciples out to share the things that they experienced and to reproduce themselves:

"Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:16-20)

I went to Virginia, where God told me to go. I became His daughter and learned to worship Him for who He is, not just what He has done. Now God is asking me to follow Him in this and give away what He has given me. And there is a little fear and uncertainty. But, He is with me. Always. He is by my side in all of this.

A Life Changed.... A Little Bit More

Man. It has been quite a weekend so far.

Friday, I was at church all day at a conference geared towards pastors and leaders in the ministry. God really opened my eyes in a deep, deep way.

Friday night, I went to bed and just prayed that God would show up again.I signed up to pray in our prayer room at 8am, so I would finish just as it was time for the conference to start.

I went into the room a little hesitantly. I knew that big things happened for other people during their "prayer room" time in the past. What if nothing big happened in mine? What if I fell asleep? What if I couldn't hear God say anything? Obviously, my mind was all over the place.

What a relief when I got in the room and one of the first things that it prompts you to do is to set your stuff down and just take a few moments to surrender the things that might distract you from God. As I sat on the couch, and just surrendered my thoughts, I felt the weight lifted off of me, and was able to focus (which is not easy for me in any normal situation).

As I made my way around the room, I felt God piggy-backing off what He had done yesterday. He gave me a very clear order to begin inviting Him into all the moments of my life. So, I was intentional about keeping that posture with Him.
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When I got about halfway around the room, I felt it. That feeling when you know that God is about to speak. I felt Him speak into me the answer to my prayer when I invited Him into all the parts of my life.

He reminded me of people in my life that have walked me through the hard things (and some of them are still doing this), and the love that I felt from them. Then He told me, "That is how I want you to spend your time; loving those that are difficult to love. You need to give it away. Love those people that are making big steps towards freedom."

There were a few areas that came to mind, but that isn't important. What's important is this: I know for a fact that these promptings were not me. I know it was God. Why is that? Because I, in my own strength, do not like (or love) people enough to desire to love them.

Specific actions in my past allude to this, but since I fully surrendered my life to God a few months ago I have found that my love for people has been blossoming. I find myself wanting to pour into people where in the past, I haven't. My heart burns for women walking through those really hard steps towards a new freedom. I actually can't wait to give away the things that God is showing me and doing in me. That is got to be the Lord.
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I don't know all the things God is going to do with what He just did in me, but I sure am excited to do it!

I'm just thankful that He keeps moving and working in me, and that He loves me enough to redeem me.

A Life Changed

My life was changed today.

And before you think, "Oh, Lindsay-Marie.... so dramatic.." I'm not exaggerating. I literally went into a building and came out completely different. Changed.

I found out a few weeks ago that our church was hosting a conference on prayer. I wasn't sure why I was supposed to go, but I knew I needed to be there. So, I let me boss know that I wouldn't be in and I bought a ticket. I showed up with simple expectations: that God would show up.

As soon as the day started, I could feel it: God was stirring something up in me. My mind and heart were completely taken over by specific things that stuck out to me. I scribbled them all down so I wouldn't forget them, knowing that I could read them later and try to process through what the thing was that God was trying to show me.

I might share those things later after I process through them. But, it's not the quotes that are important. What's important is what God did in my heart through them.
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We had people that shared about how they saw prayer transform their ministry area. People shared about how transformed their lives and those around them through prayer. One of the speakers was sharing about how prayer has affected her specific area of ministry and God got me all excited about who He is. His power. His faithfulness. His goodness. His consistency. How big He is. His righteousness. His majesty. He used specific things that have been happening in my life to remind me of who I know Him to be, because I have experienced it first hand.

Shortly after that, we broke off and prayed with our tables in different parts of the church. While my table was praying, God sent this jolt through my heart. It stung a little bit and shocked me.

This is what He said: "If you really believe those things about me, why are you not inviting me into the other areas of your life?" As He touched my heart, I repented of shutting Him out and trying to be my own God.

Because here's the thing... I love shouting proclamations of praise when God does something amazing and miraculous. I invite Him into those moments. I (like most) am also fairly quick to go to Him when I need something. But.... what about the in-between times? The things that seem mundane to me? The times that the choice is so simple that I decide that I can do it on my own.

But, what God said to me today is that He wants that too. He wants the boring stuff. He wants me to get up each day and for me to ask, "Okay, God. How do you want me to spend your time today. What do you want me to do to glorify You with each moment? How can I make today count for you?"
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So, we have one more day for this conference. I am going into tomorrow with the expectations the same. Simple. Just asking God to show up. And, I'm sure He will, like He always does.

You're Hired!!

What a weird twist of events the past two days...

Yesterday, I set up an interview for today at a preschool. Being a preschool teacher is my "fall back" job. It's something that I do well, and am well-qualified for. But, this teeny-tiny part of me felt going into the interview that being a preschool teacher again was taking a step back. But, I decided to go into it with an open mind.

I put on my best "preschool teacher-y outfit" and went in with confidence.

Upon arrival, I immediately felt at-ease. The preschool is set up in an older house, with each room set up as a different classroom. You can't help but feel comfortable there. Like going to your grandmother's house. It was nice.

The interview was seamless. The owner/director and I connected really well, and for a few moments I felt like I was gabbing with a girlfriend and not speaking with a prospective employer. That has proven to be a good sign in the past.
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Fast forward four hours. I was offered the job. In a measly twenty-eight hours, I lost a job and got a job.

But, in all of that, here is what I saw: God is incredibly big. He's so big, in fact, that He orchestrated me to find a job that would end after 3.5 weeks. Though the experience was short, it had many purposes. I met a coworker that pushed me to start to freelance. I also discovered my passion for social media management and marketing is a lot bigger than I thought. This job filled in a gap that bridged my nannying contract with a preschool job. A preschool job that wasn't available when I was looking.

I could go on and on about how I saw God in all of this, but the details aren't the point! The point is that He was in it. He always is. He's in everything, and in control.
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Last night during worship practice, we were given a time to listen to some mellow worship music and be encouraged by God. Something that God pointed me to was this:

Psalm 73:21-28
When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you. 

Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory. 

Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. 

But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds. 

This passage was the very one that stirred my heart and moved me to come back toward God and His hear four years ago. It means a lot to me for a lot of different reasons.

One of the things that struck me last night was how God is the same God today as He was then. Four years ago, when I was coming out of a long bout of alcoholism and promiscuity and a string of bad choices, He opened my eyes and showed me that all I had was Him, and He was all I needed. Yesterday, when I was angry and sad and confused about losing my job, He comforted me and told me that He would take care of everything. He is still the same. He has never changed.  His word is still comforting and loving and has this way that it draws us closer to His heart. It’s satisfying and is a breath of fresh air and when we’re panting and exhausted from fighting the war against the enemy, He quenches our thirst and leaves us feeling replenished.

He’s the same. Always. Faithful.