I have nothing to offer....

I'm teaching for the first time this Thursday. T-minus 3 days. And, I have nothing. I have a teaching outline supplied by our lovely Joshua House staff, but as I sit here and look at the text that we are focusing on, I'm suddenly back to where I was last week the day of our first meeting. I have nothing to give these people. I hope and pray to Jesus that they do not show up expecting to hear something grand come from my mouth, cause it isn't going to be there.

It's not that I don't care, or don't know the Bible, or can't form a concrete sentence. I do care- TONS, in fact, and I do know the Bible- I have a degree in Biblical Studies, and I can form sentences. The issue that I am facing is that if I open my mouth to share some story about how messed up my life was before Jesus, or how a certain scripture was used in my life- they will be hearing from me. I need to back the truck up, shut my mouth, and let God move.

What I need is to focus on the fact that I am an empty pipe, sitting and waiting for the pure Living Water of the Holy Spirit to work through me. Because if I at any time think that what I have to say is more important than these people hearing from the true Source of Life, then I have sorely missed the mark. If I truly love these people with His Holy agape, then I will sit back and let the Spirit move- watch Him work in people's lives and know that He didn't need me, but He wanted to use me.

Sometimes, it's just not about me...

A little over a year ago, two things were happening in my life. The first was that I had started lay counseling at the church. I needed direction in my life, and needed someone to point me the right way. I also started leading worship in my small group. The Lord began doing a lot of healing at this same time, cutting really deeply- to the core of who I am, pulling out sin, pain, and brokenness and stitching me back up.

I felt the Lord urging me to begin painting (which I hadn't done in a long time) to communicate what He was doing in me. So, I began a painting. I wasn't sure how exactly it was going to turn out, I just knew the general direction it would go. The Lord did impress on my heart a few things. The first was that this painting was not for me to keep. The second was that it was for a guy. At first, I thought that meant it was for a guy that I was dating at the time... but when I shared that information with someone, I felt immediately convicted. The Lord made it very clear that it was not for that guy, and that I didn't know the guy yet. I thought this was kind of weird, and hadn't had the Lord speak to me in such a cryptic way before, but I just kept it in my heart, and kept praying as I worked on the painting little by little.

Months went by, and the painting was still not finished. I only worked on it when I felt the Lord's prompting, so I figured it may just be a while. Around December 2009, we had a Christmas party in our small group. My small group leader introduced me to one of his guy friends that he had served with in the church. As soon as I saw this guy, I knew that he was the one that the painting was for. I didn't know why- all I knew was that there was a certain light about him, and the Lord caused him to stand out to me- I felt drawn to him in a unique way, I just knew we were supposed to meet for a specific reason.

Over the next few months, I started leading worship alongside this guy from the party. Up until this point, leading worship was a challenge for me. It took a few weeks for me to prepare a set, and prayer went into everything. I had no idea what I was doing, and was totally dependent on the Lord for everything from key changes to using a capo. This wasn't a bad thing, but I was often so focused on leading the people, and not getting in the way of them seeing the Lord that I often was not able to worship Him myself. I was okay with this, but it was exhausting. There is something so refreshing about the Lord's presence, and I felt like I was missing out on just resting in His presence during these moments.

When I started leading alongside of this brother, something shifted. He filled gaps that I had musically and vocally, and I found myself challenged often by him, and also encouraged greatly. Something inside me was pulled out, and I was able to step back a bit and worship the Lord while leading. It was such a great joy that I had not experienced up until this point. Through this ministry, I was able to experience a different kind of healing that I had not previously known. Through this, the Lord also spoke to me and told me that the next time I performed at a coffee shop, that this brother would be a part of it, and that I would be performing an original song.

At that point, I just kind of stepped back and let God work. He was working in me TONS, and I found myself with a new friend in this brother- it was a really sweet blessing to have. After praying more and more about finishing the original song and the coffee shop ministry, I received a test message asking me to be a part of a performance. This was a neat point, just relishing in God's work and being thankful for Him keeping his promises. This prompted me to finish the painting, and just wait for the right time to give it to him, and praying for the words to say to explain the work the Lord had done.

I thought the waiting would be hard. But, somehow, it wasn't. It was kind of exciting to have a secret that I wasn't allowed to share yet. I wasn't sure what God was doing behind the scenes, or what He was going to do through the painting, but I knew that if I waited and was obedient, my friend and I would both be blessed.

God let me know last week through middle of the night words and a few dreams that I needed to sit down and talk to him. The topics that the Lord told me had nothing to do with the painting, but I knew that wherever the conversations led, that the painting would be important. So, I began praying about what to say, and wrote it all down- knowing that I would probably be too nervous to say what really should be communicated.

Here's the cool thing: A little over a year ago, God directed me to create something that would have an impact on someone that I hadn't met. He loved my friend enough to prompt me creatively, to pray about and seek Him in the direction of a painting. He loved me enough to use my pain and the healing that came out of it in the life of someone else. He saw both of us where we were, and met us there.

This painting ended up having a lot to do with what was going on in my friend's life. It spoke to him in a really deep way, I could see that- even if he didn't or couldn't say everything. I liked it, it was colorful, and had some design to it, but until hearing what he shared, and where he was spiritually, I didn't see what the painting was truly about. It was about God seeing us in our hurt moments, and speaking to us exactly how He knows we will hear it. We are all unique- no two people are alike, and no two people hear from God in the same way.

This painting was never a story about a girl finding freedom. It was a story about a boy and his relationship with God- his Love story. Sometimes, it's just not about me...

A bullseye? I think NOT!

About a year ago, I began to lead worship in my small group. I had enrolled in the Worship Training Center at the church because I felt that God wanted me to, not sure what He was going to do in it. During the end of the classes, I was approached by one of our worship leaders and asked to lead with her for our small group.


Around six months ago, I was asked my some leaders in my small group to be part of what they called a "core" team. This may mean different things to different small groups, but for me personally, it meant that I was able to see how a small group was run from the inside. At different points, I was entrusted with small responsibilities that allowed me to step out in ways that were appropriate for where the Lord had me.


After being heavily involved in my small group, I was approached my the leaders and told that there were going to be some changes in the group, and they wanted me to pray about co-leading a small group with another leader. This wasn't a surprise to me, as the Lord had revealed to me that He would be raising me up at some point. But it was a shock in the sense that the small group life that I knew at that point would be completely changing.



There was a point where I was praying at a friend's house and random pain shot up my ankle. I was standing still- there was no shift of weight. It was just random pain. After the shooting pain stopped, I was left with a dull ache and somewhat of a limp. I thought maybe the enemy was trying to discourage me from praying for my friend, so I just prayed for it to go away several times over the course of a few days. It didn't go away, but traveled throughout my body: my mid back, my right wrist, then resting in my right armpit, and finally, the worst was when it was in my left lower back. That was agonizing! I went to the doctor, who gave me some pain medication and advised me to see a chiropractor. I was still convinced that it was demonic, so I sought prayer. One Sunday, the pain left my back and went straight to my head. I had a headache that left me in tears, and was done. I didn't want to be a leader if it meant that I was going to be in physical pain!



But in getting prayer, the Lord revealed some lies that I was believing. The first one was that I was going to fail at being a leader- and my leaders knew it. They were setting me up to fail. The second was that they were abandoning me. They are not my parents, but have meant so much to me over the years, that I think of them somewhat like parents sometimes. The third lie was that as a leader, I should expect that I will be attacked and that it is the enemy's right to do so.



What a crock! First of all, sure, I will fail. But if I am seeking, chasing, desperately clawing my way to Jesus, Him in me- that is a good recipe for success. Light always shines in darkness! My leaders weren't seeing that I would be a failure- they saw that I listen to the Lord and step back and allow Him to work through me. They also were not abandoning me. I assumed that they would simply be stepping out of the picture, but they would still be around, and attending the new small groups as support.

The third lie was the one that hit home the most. Yes, there is spiritual warfare that goes on. It is everywhere. But, the enemy has NO RIGHT over me. I belong to the Lord, and am His. There is no place for the enemy in that. What God showed me through this is that if I am filling myself with Him, day in and day out, there is no room whatsoever for the enemy to creep in. I need to be more intentional about filling my mind with Truth.

God gave me a neat picture to go alongside with this. If I am a kid on the playground, and a bully comes up to me and starts beating me up, is there anything I can do? Yes! I can fight back, I can run, and I can ask for help. In our Christian walks, we need to take a stand against the enemy- because our relationship with God is something worth fighting for!

Ephesians 6 :)

What to do when He says "stop".......

I had one of those moments about six weeks back where I looked at what was going on in my life and noticed that it was very messy. Very. I know the path that led me here, and I know how to get out of it. I just don't know how long it's going to take- months... maybe years. As I look around at the unstructured, somewhat chaotic life I have found myself in, I can safely say that I am living in the very tangible consequences of walking away from the Lord and seeking to live my life for myself- often living in the moment and trying to heal myself.

About five years ago, I felt a strong calling to be a wife and a mother. So, I felt the right thing for me to do was to seek out a husband. Ha! First of all, I didn't seek the Lord in this at all. I was so excited about this new calling on my life that I just wanted it to happen right then and there. My eagerness led me to date the wrong men and even be engaged to one... which then led to the mess I am working on cleaning up now.

I still feel this strong calling to be a wife, but seeing clearly that although I may be able to emotionally handle a relationship, I cannot imagine inviting someone into this clean-up process. It wouldn't be fair to put that on him, and if I were to love someone as myself- love would prevent me from asking anyone to bear this burden for me.

So, in my lament to the Lord that went something like, "Lord, my life is messy! I don't know what to do! I could never invite someone into this life!" He could have given me practical ways to get back to where I should be. Instead, He said to me, "Don't date." My response was the randomness that follows: "What? Excuse me? I think I misunderstood. It sounded like you told me not to date. Oh, I think maybe I heard you right. So, okay. I can do this whole 'not dating' thing. I'm not dating anyone right now, so it's not like I would have to break up with anyone. When should I start? My birthday? Sounds good to me- that way I can remember when I started this commitment. Okay, Lord- how long should this last? A year?" Then, the Lord did His tricky little thing where He tells you what you need to know instead of what you want to know. He said, "You shouldn't date because before you are to be married- to share your whole life with someone- before you can be a successful wife and mother, you need to be successful at being single. You keep trying to better yourself because in your mind, every step forward in your walk and in your maturity as a woman is one level up in the 'wife of the year' competition. Stop thinking about making yourself better for some man that you don't even know. Work towards maturity so that in that, you might glorify me."

See what happened there? I saw a messy life, and the Lord saw potential for restoration if I took the proper steps. Dating someone would distract from the work that He is trying to do. There is just no room for another person in the season. Am I upset about that? Nope. Was I at first? Heck yes! I think that a part of me that was holding onto any hope of marrying some mystery guy that swept me off my feet died. I had to mourn that loss and understand that it shouldn't matter if I am single forever. I should relish in the years where He says walk and I don't ask how fast, I just step out. Where He says jump and I don't ask how high, I just leap. Where He says go and I don't ask where, I just move.

Do I still have a desire to be a wife? Absolutely. But, the difference is that now, it's not who I am. I am not the "future wife of an amazing Christian man." No, I am Lindsay Marie Yates, lover of Jesus, follower of Christ, daughter of God, and His beautiful workmanship.

Amen to the Truth He has implanted in my heart. Amen.

Lindsay Yates, songwriter????

Last weekend, I played at a benefit concert for Living Hope for Haiti in Powell. I have never written a song in my life, but love to play other people's music. After my set, the owner of the cafe invited me to their songwriter's workshop, which was encouraging. First thought: intimidation. Why in the world would someone even think that I would belong in a place where people collaborate on music composition?

But, nevertheless, I accepted the invitation in hopes that maybe I can learn something. I've actually wanted to write music for sometime, but have never been brave enough to try.

The next morning, I was at the early service at church, not really wanting to be there (because a more comfortable alternative would have been my bed). My mind began to wander during worship and I started thinking about songwriting. I started to somewhat converse with God, and I really felt Him prompting me to ask for the gift. I was imediately reminded of what someone had shared in a group: we may not get what we ask for, but God cares about our desires and wants us to ask for them. So, I thought.... why not? I gave a somewhat half-hearted prayer saying something like, "Lord, I want to write songs."

Not a minute later, my mind was flowing. It was all I could do to pick up my pen quick enough to sribble down a few basic ideas. One of the ideas that popped into my brain was something that God has painfully been bringing to the surface the past few weeks. I was hesitant to even go there, and my pen paused, and I forced my brain to stop for a second. In that moment, God gave me four lines (promises if you will) concerning His view of me. It was as if He was saying, "What you are about to drag out is going to be painful, so here's some Truth to remind you Who loves you." He's cool like that.

Yes, I cried in church. No, it had nothing to do with the speaker. God is so faithful to bring us to a place that we can use our pain in a healthy way. He can hold us gently, arms wrapped around us, kissing our foreheads while allowing us to feel an uncomfortable pain. God is stirring in me more than a song. He's stirring a healing that I am sure is meant to lead other hurting and broken women to His warm arms.

Yes, I will be posting a finished product.

I Dreamed a Dream

A few nights ago I had a dream...

I was an pregnant amish girl. I had a husband, and we were going to the hospital to deliver the baby. Something didn't feel right about having the baby there, though. I was in my room, going into labor, but no one was in the room, not even my husband. I was doing it alone. All of a sudden, another amish girl appears and has a pillow and blanket in her arms. She pulled me gently to the floor for me to deliver the baby on the floor. There were no words, but I had an understanding that it was inappropriate for me to deliver the baby in the luxury of the bed.

At some point, while still in labor, decided that there was another room that was meant for me to deliver the baby in. I couldn't walk, so I began to drag my bleeding body out into the deserted hall and down the corridor. As I dragged myself up the stairs, I remember noticing that there was blood everywhere. It wasn't just trailing behind me... it was under me as well. It was coming from everywhere in my body, not just my womb.

When I finally arrived in my "home," I finally saw my husband. He was laying in the hospital bed, getting ready to deliver our child. I looked down and saw that I was in street clothes, not the hospital gown I had been in before. I curled up into bed with him, to comfort his labor pains. Even though he was experiencing pain, everything was peaceful.

...As soon as I woke up, I knew God was speaking to me in this dream for a few reasons. 1. The dream was vivid. I rarely dream, but if I do, it's usually very foggy and I can usually only pick up emotions during the dream, not as if it were a screenplay. 2. The dream stuck with me, but not in a haunting way. In the way that I naturally remember everything in the timeline of the dream. 3. My alarm clock went off, and as soon as I fell asleep, the dream picked up where it left off, but had a darker plot, one that I know the enemy brought to me. As if he were adding in the last part to try to cause me to dismiss the first part. Jerk.

After much prayer, consideration and wise counsel, it has been determined that I am the amish girl. I have been pregnant with goals, dreams, and callings in my life that God has directed me to. I was comfortable in my walk, seeing these through on my own my own strength, until circumstances brought me to a very dark and challenging season. I was still pursuing these dreams on my own. But God had better for me, and I knew it. I started to struggle toward His beckoning, and though it was bloody, and unbearable, I pressed on. I eventually arrived at "home" and saw that God was the one that was to do the work, that He is the one to see my dreams through- on HIS strength and labor pains... as I saw in the dream, the pain wasn't overpowering to Him. He was still quite peaceful.

Where am I now in this bloody journey? I am still at the "dragging my bloody stump of a body to Jesus" point.

Phillipians 3:14, baby.

Being in control of one's self, or giving control to God...?

"The only way we are going to get out of what we are currently in is to see that there is something greater." - Joshua Weir, pastor of The Village Vineyard, Columbus, OH

Today, church was not some "omg, that really hit me hard" thing. However, God was sweet and awesome enough to pull back the veil and show me the work that He is doing, and has given me the "big picture." I have been struggling with alcohol abuse for about a year and a half on and off. I have been struggling with emotional eating as long as I can remember. I have been struggling with lust and impure thoughts for about 5 years. Until recently, I didn't lump these together at all, I simply treated them as separate sin that needed to be dealt with individually. Food, lust, alcohol: all of these things have been hitting me hard in recent months. Assuming it was just one of those times in my life, I have been writing it off as me just not pursuing what God has for me, and areas of my life that need improvement.

I was talking with a guy friend a few months ago about men and their struggle with looking at women lustfully. He said that treating that lustful act alone is not effective, and that it comes from a deeper sin that needs to be examined. I knew that what he said was true, but wasn't sure how his truth applied to my life. Then this morning it all starting ironing out in my head. I am not stopping myself from having just one drink, or none at all. I am not stopping myself from eating food that I really don't need "just because I want to." I am not stopping my mind to wander to places that only a married person should entertain. These are all centering around my lack of self-control.

I can walk away from booze. I can go on a diet. I can stick to G-rated books, movies, and conversations. But, taking these symptoms away will not help me exercise self-control. The only thing that will help my self-control is to understand that God has something better for me than what I am submerging myself into. God has SO much better for me than lust, gluttony, and alcoholism. So much better for me than the life that I could try to create. May I submit to Him, that I might glorify Him.