Life is an uphill battle

Sometimes, when we're not looking, life gets hard. It sneaks up on us and can overwhelm us in various ways. We get bombarded in finances, relationships, in school, with work, and in various other ways that can creep up on us. A few things have snuck up on me that I am not too happy about.

Money: I have more debt than I can afford to pay off with my monthly paychecks. Solution: I am applying for a financial coach at our church. I really need to sit down with someone and figure all this out.

Relationships: After almost a year, I still have no contact with my father. I don't have a plan. I don't have a solution. It just is what it is. I think I thought that by this time, I would have had a solution and we would have moved forward in some way.

Work: I graduated four years ago with a degree in Biblical Studies. I am working in sales. I know that this happens to a large number of the population, but it is frustrating alot of the time. Especially when I'm not making very much money to pay off said Bible degree.

Health: Since I stopped working in a preschool, I have put on 20 lbs. Yes, 20 lbs. In six months. What. The. Heck. I sit all day. Solution: I joined a gym, I am on a focused eating plan, and am being more conscious of doing things that keep me active, instead of just sitting around and hanging out.

Health and Money are what I am most concerned about. Those are going to be my biggest battles. I realized that in 6 months, I can make severe decisions that can take years to correct. I am taking the proper steps, but am still praying through every step of the way.

Perseverance vs. Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. A good example of this in my past would be an unhealthy relationship that was a disaster from the beginning. But, I was stubborn and determined, and no matter how many times he hurt me or let me down, I would stay by his side. I thought that if I stuck around long enough, he would change- he would see that I was someone worth treating well.

Fast forward two and a half years. Yes, years. My life had become the definition of insanity. I was trying so hard, working harder than I had at anything in my entire life. And time after time, no result. Insanity.

So, how is that different in our Christian walk? I was working out today and thought that listening to Jay Pathak's sermon on perseverance would be good to listen to while sweating an toiling. I listened to the same sermon yesterday as well at the gym, and was really inspired by his message. When I listened to it today, I heard more layers. While I was working the biceps, his definition of perseverance really struck me: "Doing the same thing over and over again, even if it's small, and expecting a HUGE result." How is this different than insanity? I've heard that Jesus was either speaking the truth and He was The Christ, or what He was saying was completely false and he was a lunatic. In the same sense, by being a follower of Jesus I am either continually being sanctified by His grace or I am a complete looney.

What is it that makes perseverance different than insanity? I don't have the answer for everyone. But the thing that makes my repeated actions perseverance and not insanity is Hope. I have a very real hope and knowledge in the Truth that this is not as good as life gets. I know that my consistent disciplines of confessing sin, entering into God's presence, and just plain old walking the rocky path of life will refine me in a way that will constantly leave me pointing the attention to the Holiness of God. I know that my actions will not earn me heaven, but they will allow me the opportunity to experience this side of God's Kingdom amidst the crazy darkness of the world.

I don't have to move miles at a time. Millimeters. Tiny, baby steps. It can be as simple as not being lazy. Not lying. Reading the Bible regularly. Not being as selfish. Not spending money we don't have. Putting down the bottle, fork, the syringe- and running in confidence to the throne of grace. It's not easy, but the more we do it, the more it becomes part of how we deal with life. It doesn't make things go away, but it helps to ensure the bad things in life do not define who we are.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.

Perseverance: Doing the same thing over and over again while knowing the eventually, through the grace of God, something will change.

Grace and Peace.

Forgiveness OR What does it mean to truly love?

When I was a child I heard, saw and experienced things that no child needs to. It left my pretty confused and guarded as an adult. One of those things was being a victim of emotional abuse by my father. The truth is that when he was a kid, he was emotionally hurt pretty badly by his biological father, and it left him in a place where he wasn't sure who to trust and how to love. But, as a kid, I didn't know that and it surely wasn't my fault.

When I became a Christian at 16, I started understanding what it was like not to be afraid of people. I began to open myself up to some, and though my home life was falling apart, I was able to talk about some of it. I went to a Christian college when I was 18, and when I started hearing about who my Heavenly Father is, I saw a sharp contrast to the man who helped raise me.

I still fear that at some point, God will reach His limits with my "work in progress" status and withhold His grace. I want to know how many times I have to sin before God bans me from His presence. He says that He loves me with no strings attached. He says that His love is patient, kind, selfless, and that it never fails. The hurt and untrusting girl in me is calling His bluff. Don't get me wrong- I am not trying to wreck my life again (#beentheredonethat), but I long to know the fullness of His grace, the infinite power of His mercy, and the depths of His love.

Why do I want to know all this? Because this Sunday at church, my pastor wrecked my life with his sermon about forgiveness. He said that if we are wondering how many times we have to forgive someone before we get revenge, the problem is that we are counting. I have a healthy boundary with my father now. That boundary includes me keeping complete distance from him. I don't think that it's forever, but it is for now.

What I desire is to fully experience and know what it is to be forgiven "no strings attached" by God. I want to be able to say confidently "I am forgiven," and truly understand what I am saying. I want to be able to extend that to those around me, so that they too can feel the fullness of the Father's love.

Grace and Peace.

Whoever said this was going to be easy was a big, fat liar...

This may not be the most glamorous post. But, it will be honest. I will do my best to not turn this into a negative rant.

6 months ago, I became a co-leader for a small group at my church. I knew it was something God called me to, and was obedient. But, did I want leadership? No. I know that leaders have bulls-eyes. Leadership is a lonely place, and as we witness constantly in politics, someone always has something critical to say about them. So, why in the world would I want to put myself in a position of vulnerability. One where I probably will face people that misinterpret me, misrepresent me, and gossip about me.

According to what I am hearing about myself, I am ultra-controlling, I talk down to people, and I "act in charge" of the people in my small group. It's not that I'm perfect- I know more than anyone that I am not. But, what the heck!?!? Do these people not know me? Do they not see that I just want what's best for the group? Am I not allowed to make mistakes?

My co-leader and I struggle through so much crap and I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't breathe!! I can see the Lord working, and I can feel Him moving, but why won't He rescue me? I don't want this- I never have.

We have never made this group about us, or what we want. We have always prayed about what direction God wants to go, and what would be best for the group as a whole. Why can't they see this?

A Season of Change

I like schedule, systematic planning, and structure (the Three S's for a Type A). But, I also like it when seasons shift and morph into something different. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. I mean, who doesn't like that exciting adrenaline that happens right before you embark on something new? Well, some people. I can name two right off the bat, but I don't want to call them out ;) Obviously, there are changes about to happen, or happening, or I wouldn't be writing about this...

I graduated from college with a Bachelor's in Biblical Studies almost 4 years ago. I love learning, and had both relief and mourning when I finished school. I was relieved because it seemed to take WAY too long to finish an undergrad degree. Oh wait, it did. But, it was really in the Lord's time that I did finish. He had a plan for me that included it taking me 7 years to complete a 4-year degree. In the mourning period of not getting to do homework, papers, etc, anymore, I felt like I should enroll in grad school. I felt like my learning was not over. So, I applied for, and was accepted into, a program for Educational Administration. But... it just didn't feel right. Now, I find myself years later at this place where the timing is right, I've matured alot, and I have also found the right program to prepare me to be a successful leader in the church. In the Spring of 2011, I will be a student again (pending acceptance, of course). I will be filling out my application in the next few weeks and praying for the door to remain open, as I strongly feel like this is what the Lord would have for me.

I also have felt a strong calling to plan events for the Church. Not just fundraisers- but trips, retreats, dinners, parties, etc. I love networking and feel that God really wants to use my natural gifting for pulling people and resources together for His Kingdom. And so, an opportunity has come up recently for me to serve in this capacity. It is a long-term thing, and will definitely be fruitful, but timing is everything- I had until the middle of next week to decide and get back to the leader. The more I have prayed about it, the more I am sure that this is a door that I am supposed to walk through. A tricky thing is that it will take up more of my time- which seems to be pretty precious right now. People, work, things- they all want my time. I am really trying to listen to God and know what needs to be cut out (if anything) to make room for one more. I have an idea, but that is for another post.

Relationships. Gosh, aren't they something. The last semi-serious relationship I was in was last year. It was eye-opening, and God really taught me alot about what to look for (and not to look for), and really brought up alot of issues I didn't even know was there. One of the things God revealed to me is that He will communicate with me when I am supposed to say "yes" to a relationship. Just because the guy is the pursuer doesn't mean that I shouldn't still be hearing from God in the matter. So, here I find myself-with a great boyfriend. Someone who is careful and cautious, and has a soft heart to Jesus. That last one is the most important to me. If you aren't listening to the Lord and His correction, and have a hardened heart to Him, how in the world do you expect to be able to love someone as they should be loved? You can't.

So, here I find myself- my world about to get completely shifted by the Lord. All I can do is praise Him for not giving up on me, and cling to Him during this adjustment time. The fact that He is still working on me is encouraging enough :)

What to do when they tell you she's dying...

I haven't had a real relationship with my dad's side of the family for almost a year. I won't get into the deep, dirty parts of it, but some of it was my choice, and some of it was their's. It did hurt at first to have people that say they are family refuse to forgive, and to hold on to anger so deeply that I was burned by their fiery words time after time. This is why I chose to end my relationship with them. I realized that as an adult, it is my choice who I spend my time with, and who I let speak into my life. I decided that I need to walk away. It's not forever- God has made that clear- but I really needed to take a stand for myself, and just get away from their blaming words, and assuming looks.

Holidays are going to be a struggle (well, if we're being honest, they've been a struggle for a while), but there is more to life than doing what people think I should do. Life is about doing what God wants me to do. And, while I am by no means saying that God is telling me not to have a relationship with my dad's side of the family, I do know that I feel He has given me permission to take a vacation and heal.

Strumming, Writing, Singing...

So, a few months ago, I wrote a blog about how God had been revealing to me that He wanted me to write songs as a part of my spiritual healing. Well, two solid songs have come out of that so far, and I wanted to share the lyrics.

(This one is about an extremely unhealthy relationships I was in a few years ago. It is sung to the guy, and just tells the story of who I am now, since he's not in my life anymore. One might say it's a typical "angry chick song," but to me, it's alot deeper than that because of the redemptive and freeing role that God plays in it.)

"Beauty for Ashes"

Tired of crying these old tears from these same eyes

that looked at you through shadowed pasts and saw a man:

the kind of man she thought she wanted, thought that she could have.

But, now I know that I deserve better than that.

What do you have to say for yourself now?

I've dropped you like a habit that isn't just bad-

it ate away at all the love deep within my heart.

I'm tearing away no matter the pain or mess that's left.

Can you hear my pain?

Do you care that I fall asleep screaming-

sick to my stomach with worry and grief?

Does anybody hear me?

Does anyone care?

If you know what this is like,

please tell me it will be okay.

Will it all be okay?

But look at me now:

I'm floating free from the shackles

you used to keep me down!

I'm soaring, spinning, tumbling free!

This is the marriage of Jesus and me.

Jesus, can you hear me?

Jesus, do you care?

Since you know what this is like,

please tell me it will be okay.

This is more than I dreamed.

(This one is about my struggle with having a father that doesn't know how to love me. I get really jealous of functioning father-daughter relationships, and even though God's word says in Psalm 27:10 that "though your mother and father forsake you, I will receive you," I don't feel God in that empty place where my father's love should be.)

"Psalm 27:10"

Three years old and she waits by the door, eager to feel his touch.

She loves her daddt and looks up to him, sees a hero in his face.

He had a long, hard day and he's driving home, her face runs through his mind.

He loves his girl, he moves mountains for her, sees purity in her eyes.

Why can't I have that? (A love as sure as the sun)

Isn't it enough that I love you? Why won't you love me?

Now eighteen and she packs all her bags, headed to school out west.

With tears in her eyes, she boards teh plane, holding his picture tight.

He watches his baby girl pass through the gate, tears streaming down his cheeks.

He's so proud of her for chasing her dreams, even if it means leaving him.

It's not fair, no it's not okay.

Though my father turns his back on me, You say you'll love me still.

Then why can't I feel Your warmth, Your peace, Your love that never fails.

Oh God, if You love me, if You really care-

I need you to surround me, please Father, show me You're there.