I have long since forgotten what it was like to live a care-free Christian life. I am not sure why I how I was convinced that being a follower of Christ meant that life was easier, that it was less stressful, or that everything just kind of was handed to you on a platter encrusted with Christ's face and on a pillow of clouds. I was wrong.
I remember the first time I felt a very real and very heavy spiritual attack. I was getting ready to move from my townhouse in Lynchburg, VA to Waterloo, IA in August of 2006. I had just handed over the keys of the car I had been using. I was packing all of my belongings to move to a place foreign to me, a place where I thought that I would find love, and that the rest of my life would be spent. I started looking around my room, seeing boxes, my makeshift bed (a sleeping bag on a mattress pad), and an empty house (my then-roommate had just moved in with her boyfriend, and out of my townhouse). Something came over me that was oppressive, full of lies, and that hurt deeply. I could not push out of it, and the more I fought the thoughts of suicide, of worthlessness, of being a screw up, the more the lies pushed back.
I called my mentor, who then tried to speak some Truth into me, coming from Psalm 139. It didn't really penetrate my heart. I also talked to my mom about how I was feeling, and tried to explain the suicidal thoughts, but she wasn't really getting it. I felt like no one was understanding, and worse yet, that no one was capable of helping me.
Fast forward three years...
I still fight this. I'm not sure what came over me, or why it still lingers today, but a very dark spirit of despair infected me, and will come and go as it pleases. It does not belong, and I know that. There is no place for it in my life, as Jesus is Lord of me. I am still exploring education in this area, and attempting to develop a deeper level of understand of all things spiritual.
What I do know is that I was not prepared for that kind of battle. Yes, I read Ephesisans 6. Yes, I knew about the armor of God. But, something in me thought spiritual warfare to be something that couldn't possibly affect me (pride), because all I had known was a fuzzy-loving Christ-centered life up until a few months before I decided to move.
What I hope for this blog is not something to shout how awesome my life is, or to broadcast my miseries. I pray that the what God is doing in my life can hit someone where it counts, that they may take home a few things. Maybe I will just seem crazy, or maybe someone can say, "Hey, me too, lady... I'm going through that too..." Whatever the outcome, Lord, I pray you will use this for your glory.