Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Where I'm At

Geographically, I'm in Lynchburg, VA. I moved back here last December because (in short) God asked me to.

Physically, I'm tired a lot and rrrreally wanting to get a good workout routine going, but literally choosing to occupy my thoughts, time and money in other things. Maybe it isn't as much of a priority as I want it to be. Ultimately, it is my choice to workout or not workout. And the excuses that I make are my own excuses. No one is forcing me to not make time for running, walking, galloping, etc.

Emotionally, I've been fairly even keeled. Until this weekend (but we'll get to that later). I've been paying attention to my sleep cycles and my aches and pains and my appetite in hopes that I can figure out my....ahem.... cycle.... and try to for once know the mystery of the ages: Is this PMS, or am I just being spaz?

For those of you who belong to the male population or the females that do not have emotional-freakishness as a symptom of PMS.... let me tell you, it can be pretty confusing to not know why you feel the way you do and then one day be like, "Oh... OH.... Right! That's why I cried at the end of the Walking Dead episode this week and want to devour all the chocolate in the world." But, honestly, since I've been working to be more aware of what's going on with me, I've pretty much been calm and when I feel something that might be a wave of unbridled emotion, I try to work through it, instead of just giving up for the day.

**I feel the need to stop here and note something. For those of you who have never met me in person, or don't know me that well, I am (and pretty much always have been) highly emotional. I feel things extremely deeply. So, when the PMS blues or anger or whathaveyou kicks in... I am deeply affected by it. If I let it, it can take control of me (but I try to catch it just as it's happening and deal with it in healthy ways). I felt the need to give context for being so open about my emotions, and to point out that, no, I'm not being dramatic about it all :).**

Spiritually, well, that's another thing. While things have been "going great," I feel like I'm getting pummeled by waves. And I'm getting to the surface to take a breath of air and rest for a second, and there's another wave. Wave after wave of God being like, "Hey, take a look at this over here. Do you see this attitude? That is not okay" or "This behavior needs to stop. Right now." My struggle in this is that "Yay! By God's grace alone am I able to survive this!" conflicts with the feelings of "But it hurts and it's hard and why can't He just let me rest for a second." I so want to be thankful that He is mindful of me enough to teach me at all. Who am I that the Creator of the universe is molding me and shaping me? And here I am, wanting Him to give me a break. It feels..... well, icky.... to have that conflict going on inside.

So, that's kind of where I've been in general.
This past weekend, I hit a low point when I had a realization that I can't afford to go home for Thanksgiving. I thought I would be able to, because I had just gotten a raise at work a few months ago. But right as the new baby (which caused the raise in salary) was born... literally, the day after she was born.... I moved across town. And with that, my fuel budget went through the roof. Every dollar that I was planning on using to save to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and to make some minor repairs on my Jeep, and to... well, basically be able to pay all of my bills, all on time.... it all goes right smack dab into my giant, smelly gas tank.

I would like to tell you that I have a plan.

I don't.

All I know is that my wishful thinking of being able to visit with friends and family that I haven't seen since the beginning of May has turned into the realization that it is probably not going to happen.

And that's upsetting.

Why? Well, beyond the obvious reasons of missing people, I feel a little tired. Like a little emotionally raw (this is the part that I told you about earlier when I said we'll get to that later). I've surrendered my life to a God that knows everything. He literally knows things are going to happen before they happen. He like, made the entire universe in a week. People! Sometimes it takes me an entire week to do one load of laundry from start to finish (I'm not proud of this, it's just a fact), and God breathed everything that you and I know to exist in 6 days.

And I know that.

Yet, in these moments when I feel kinda gypped by my circumstances, I start to feel unbelief creep in. It's so subtle, this unbelief. It whispers things like, "Well, He's done it again... dragged you somewhere and left you. I told you He'd abandon you!" and "He's not going to come through for you. It's up to YOU to provide for yourself. You need to be independent! Get your own back!"

Lies, lies, lies.
And what is God reminding me of tonight? "Do you think that I am not in control of this? I am SO BIG. You are so small. I keep telling you this. You keep forgetting. So here it is again: I. Created. The. Universe. And you think I am somehow not in control of providing for you? How is that beyond my reach?"

What I know is that I am exactly where God wants me, with the specific job that He wants me to have. Beyond that, I have no idea. And since God literally knows everything (which I said before), why is it so hard to admit that He knows WAY more than I do and to just trust Him with this? Not sure. Still working on that one.

So, yeah. That is pretty much where I'm at.

1 comment:

  1. God spent three days working on the earth and then on the fourth day created all the other planets in the solar system (Venus is called a star throughout the Bible)and the universe. There are more stars in the known universe than grains of sand on the earth. None of the other estimated trillions of planet received the same treatment. God spends time on things not because he must.