Communion with My King

As a young Catholic, communion was something that we got to do as a "rite of passage." It wasn't something I fully understood, and for that reason, even as an adult, I have struggled to fully grasp and identify with my Savior as I consume the elements of communion. This past weekend, I was at a retreat with my church and had one of "those moments"... the ones that leave you just needing to sit and process for hours afterward. As I was praying before taking communion, I saw a vivid picture that I'm pretty sure radically changed my life and how I see communion forever.
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I was to the heavy cross and pick it up. I am mocked and spit on. I carry the cross on my back in the hot sun. I feel faint and I'm certain I will die if I don't get water. I'm very thirsty and i am starting to feel anxious. I know what is coming. I have sinned and I am going to be killed. They will lay me on the cross and deive sharp, huge nails in my hands and feet. They they will raise up the cross and leave me there until my heart stops beating, until I am dead.

As I approach the hill's incline, I stumble. I fall in the dirt and think that they will help me. But, the crowd starts yelling at me to get up and they call me horrible names. I somehow manage to get to my feet; my legs are wobbly and shaking. I don't have much further to go and my heart starts beating faster. "Isn't there another way? Can I just appologize? Why must I die? Was my sin that great? If God loved me, why would He allow them to kill me?"

I finally get to the top of the hill- almost crawling. When I reach the right spot, some one yells at me to stop, but I don't hear; my ears are ringing and I am barely conscious- I'm just moving mechanically. They take a large whip and strike my legs until I fall and drop the cross. Not is the point of no return. I am going to die soon.

They lay me down on the cross and being driving the nails into my hands and feet. The pain is so great that I lose consciousness. When I wake up, i am in the air, being help up by the cross and the nails. My flesh is being pulled and ripped and I am in so much pain. Suddenly, I see a figure in front of me. I try to focus on him, but I don't have enough strength. I see him push past the guards. "She is MINE," He says. The He lowers the cross on the ground. He slowly pulls each nail from my hands and feet. As he does this, he touches my wounds. I am healed instantly. I am not thirsty anymore. I have strength and do not feel weak anymore.

He take my hand and pulls me up. He embraces me and whispers in my ear, "I do this for you because of my Love." He releases me and lays down in my place- looking into my eyes the whole time. Then he says, "My death will pay for your sin," as they begin driving nails into His hands and feet. He is still looking at me as they raise up the cross. I stand in wonder and astonishment as I watch my Savior come and die for me. He died, that I may have an abundant life. He paid the debt I owed.

Where has the time gone?

Where has the time gone? How have I somehow made it through a year of leading a small group, when each step of the way was a struggle? And now, I feel like I am being pulled in a different direction. How can I let this go, this thing that has slowly become a part of who I am. I don’t introduce myself as “Lindsay Yates: Small Group Leader,” but I feel like being a leader in the church has affected every other part of my life.

It changed what I look for in a guy. I now know that if I am dating someone that has an aversion towards leaders, or any negative sensitivity towards being led by someone, I cannot be in a relationship with him. I respect leaders, and have a heart for them. They are thrown in the gauntlet, and are expected to come out on the other side not only intact, but still maintaining their integrity. How could I partner with someone who does not respect this amazing way to serve?

It changed the friendships that I had. I found out very quickly which friends I had that were loyal and that loved me with Christ’s love. I made mistakes, like every new and seasoned leader would. But what I saw is that sometimes people treat your mistakes differently if you are in a leadership role. I think that some of this has to do with how public our mistakes can be, but also because when you are a leader, your choices affect the people you lead- and can hurt them, even if you don't mean to.

It changed how I view leaders. I used to look at leaders as flawless. I mean, how did they get the position they were in if they still made mistakes? I felt that this disqualified me as a leader, and was blown away when I was asked to step up into a leadership role. Being on this side of leadership, I found out quickly that we are all in process, and that God chooses people for their heart for him- not for their holiness. Before actually leading a small group, I never saw David and Moses as leaders. I only saw them as examples of flawed people that God chose to use in spite of their sin. Now I see them as men who struggled, but that God saw leadership on them- no matter what they saw.

It changed how I deal with money. I found very quickly that I was held to a higher standard in all aspects of my life. How can I point people to Christ if I myself didn’t have a healthy relationship with money? To have an idol in my life was to say “this is more powerful, more important than God.” I feared money. Sometimes, I still do. I let money control my emotions, I believe that money takes care of me, and I give it more power than it truly has. Being in leadership has showed me over time that by having money as an idol, I am limiting the ways that God is able to use me, as well as living in a state of fear and anxiety.

It changed my relationship with God. I have never been more desperate for God than leading a group of my peers towards a closer relationship with Jesus. There were alot of good times, but among the negative- I have felt isolated and alone, judged, ridiculed, and gossiped about. I have felt completely out of my element and scared to death that I would fall flat on my face. I have known for the past year that there is nothing within me that could successfully lead or co-lead a group apart from any tools God would give me. Now I see that because of what God has gifted me with, and how He sustains me, I am able to do more than I ever thought or imagined.

And here I am now, a year later, wondering if I had the chance and knew exactly how hard it was going to be… would I do it all again? If someone told me last April that I would lose friends, and go through a battle of “I know I need to do this- that God is asking me to- but I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t feel like I am strong enough and I am weary,” I am not sure that I would have made the same choice. I would like to think that I am tough and strong. But if someone recited all that would happen in the past year, it would probably scare me off. I would probably make some excuses as to why I can't lead and put myself out there.

I'm glad I didn't know. I'm glad I put myself out there. I'm glad that a year later, I have had all the experiences that I have.

Life is an uphill battle

Sometimes, when we're not looking, life gets hard. It sneaks up on us and can overwhelm us in various ways. We get bombarded in finances, relationships, in school, with work, and in various other ways that can creep up on us. A few things have snuck up on me that I am not too happy about.

Money: I have more debt than I can afford to pay off with my monthly paychecks. Solution: I am applying for a financial coach at our church. I really need to sit down with someone and figure all this out.

Relationships: After almost a year, I still have no contact with my father. I don't have a plan. I don't have a solution. It just is what it is. I think I thought that by this time, I would have had a solution and we would have moved forward in some way.

Work: I graduated four years ago with a degree in Biblical Studies. I am working in sales. I know that this happens to a large number of the population, but it is frustrating alot of the time. Especially when I'm not making very much money to pay off said Bible degree.

Health: Since I stopped working in a preschool, I have put on 20 lbs. Yes, 20 lbs. In six months. What. The. Heck. I sit all day. Solution: I joined a gym, I am on a focused eating plan, and am being more conscious of doing things that keep me active, instead of just sitting around and hanging out.

Health and Money are what I am most concerned about. Those are going to be my biggest battles. I realized that in 6 months, I can make severe decisions that can take years to correct. I am taking the proper steps, but am still praying through every step of the way.

Perseverance vs. Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. A good example of this in my past would be an unhealthy relationship that was a disaster from the beginning. But, I was stubborn and determined, and no matter how many times he hurt me or let me down, I would stay by his side. I thought that if I stuck around long enough, he would change- he would see that I was someone worth treating well.

Fast forward two and a half years. Yes, years. My life had become the definition of insanity. I was trying so hard, working harder than I had at anything in my entire life. And time after time, no result. Insanity.

So, how is that different in our Christian walk? I was working out today and thought that listening to Jay Pathak's sermon on perseverance would be good to listen to while sweating an toiling. I listened to the same sermon yesterday as well at the gym, and was really inspired by his message. When I listened to it today, I heard more layers. While I was working the biceps, his definition of perseverance really struck me: "Doing the same thing over and over again, even if it's small, and expecting a HUGE result." How is this different than insanity? I've heard that Jesus was either speaking the truth and He was The Christ, or what He was saying was completely false and he was a lunatic. In the same sense, by being a follower of Jesus I am either continually being sanctified by His grace or I am a complete looney.

What is it that makes perseverance different than insanity? I don't have the answer for everyone. But the thing that makes my repeated actions perseverance and not insanity is Hope. I have a very real hope and knowledge in the Truth that this is not as good as life gets. I know that my consistent disciplines of confessing sin, entering into God's presence, and just plain old walking the rocky path of life will refine me in a way that will constantly leave me pointing the attention to the Holiness of God. I know that my actions will not earn me heaven, but they will allow me the opportunity to experience this side of God's Kingdom amidst the crazy darkness of the world.

I don't have to move miles at a time. Millimeters. Tiny, baby steps. It can be as simple as not being lazy. Not lying. Reading the Bible regularly. Not being as selfish. Not spending money we don't have. Putting down the bottle, fork, the syringe- and running in confidence to the throne of grace. It's not easy, but the more we do it, the more it becomes part of how we deal with life. It doesn't make things go away, but it helps to ensure the bad things in life do not define who we are.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.

Perseverance: Doing the same thing over and over again while knowing the eventually, through the grace of God, something will change.

Grace and Peace.

Forgiveness OR What does it mean to truly love?

When I was a child I heard, saw and experienced things that no child needs to. It left my pretty confused and guarded as an adult. One of those things was being a victim of emotional abuse by my father. The truth is that when he was a kid, he was emotionally hurt pretty badly by his biological father, and it left him in a place where he wasn't sure who to trust and how to love. But, as a kid, I didn't know that and it surely wasn't my fault.

When I became a Christian at 16, I started understanding what it was like not to be afraid of people. I began to open myself up to some, and though my home life was falling apart, I was able to talk about some of it. I went to a Christian college when I was 18, and when I started hearing about who my Heavenly Father is, I saw a sharp contrast to the man who helped raise me.

I still fear that at some point, God will reach His limits with my "work in progress" status and withhold His grace. I want to know how many times I have to sin before God bans me from His presence. He says that He loves me with no strings attached. He says that His love is patient, kind, selfless, and that it never fails. The hurt and untrusting girl in me is calling His bluff. Don't get me wrong- I am not trying to wreck my life again (#beentheredonethat), but I long to know the fullness of His grace, the infinite power of His mercy, and the depths of His love.

Why do I want to know all this? Because this Sunday at church, my pastor wrecked my life with his sermon about forgiveness. He said that if we are wondering how many times we have to forgive someone before we get revenge, the problem is that we are counting. I have a healthy boundary with my father now. That boundary includes me keeping complete distance from him. I don't think that it's forever, but it is for now.

What I desire is to fully experience and know what it is to be forgiven "no strings attached" by God. I want to be able to say confidently "I am forgiven," and truly understand what I am saying. I want to be able to extend that to those around me, so that they too can feel the fullness of the Father's love.

Grace and Peace.

Whoever said this was going to be easy was a big, fat liar...

This may not be the most glamorous post. But, it will be honest. I will do my best to not turn this into a negative rant.

6 months ago, I became a co-leader for a small group at my church. I knew it was something God called me to, and was obedient. But, did I want leadership? No. I know that leaders have bulls-eyes. Leadership is a lonely place, and as we witness constantly in politics, someone always has something critical to say about them. So, why in the world would I want to put myself in a position of vulnerability. One where I probably will face people that misinterpret me, misrepresent me, and gossip about me.

According to what I am hearing about myself, I am ultra-controlling, I talk down to people, and I "act in charge" of the people in my small group. It's not that I'm perfect- I know more than anyone that I am not. But, what the heck!?!? Do these people not know me? Do they not see that I just want what's best for the group? Am I not allowed to make mistakes?

My co-leader and I struggle through so much crap and I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't breathe!! I can see the Lord working, and I can feel Him moving, but why won't He rescue me? I don't want this- I never have.

We have never made this group about us, or what we want. We have always prayed about what direction God wants to go, and what would be best for the group as a whole. Why can't they see this?

A Season of Change

I like schedule, systematic planning, and structure (the Three S's for a Type A). But, I also like it when seasons shift and morph into something different. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. I mean, who doesn't like that exciting adrenaline that happens right before you embark on something new? Well, some people. I can name two right off the bat, but I don't want to call them out ;) Obviously, there are changes about to happen, or happening, or I wouldn't be writing about this...

I graduated from college with a Bachelor's in Biblical Studies almost 4 years ago. I love learning, and had both relief and mourning when I finished school. I was relieved because it seemed to take WAY too long to finish an undergrad degree. Oh wait, it did. But, it was really in the Lord's time that I did finish. He had a plan for me that included it taking me 7 years to complete a 4-year degree. In the mourning period of not getting to do homework, papers, etc, anymore, I felt like I should enroll in grad school. I felt like my learning was not over. So, I applied for, and was accepted into, a program for Educational Administration. But... it just didn't feel right. Now, I find myself years later at this place where the timing is right, I've matured alot, and I have also found the right program to prepare me to be a successful leader in the church. In the Spring of 2011, I will be a student again (pending acceptance, of course). I will be filling out my application in the next few weeks and praying for the door to remain open, as I strongly feel like this is what the Lord would have for me.

I also have felt a strong calling to plan events for the Church. Not just fundraisers- but trips, retreats, dinners, parties, etc. I love networking and feel that God really wants to use my natural gifting for pulling people and resources together for His Kingdom. And so, an opportunity has come up recently for me to serve in this capacity. It is a long-term thing, and will definitely be fruitful, but timing is everything- I had until the middle of next week to decide and get back to the leader. The more I have prayed about it, the more I am sure that this is a door that I am supposed to walk through. A tricky thing is that it will take up more of my time- which seems to be pretty precious right now. People, work, things- they all want my time. I am really trying to listen to God and know what needs to be cut out (if anything) to make room for one more. I have an idea, but that is for another post.

Relationships. Gosh, aren't they something. The last semi-serious relationship I was in was last year. It was eye-opening, and God really taught me alot about what to look for (and not to look for), and really brought up alot of issues I didn't even know was there. One of the things God revealed to me is that He will communicate with me when I am supposed to say "yes" to a relationship. Just because the guy is the pursuer doesn't mean that I shouldn't still be hearing from God in the matter. So, here I find myself-with a great boyfriend. Someone who is careful and cautious, and has a soft heart to Jesus. That last one is the most important to me. If you aren't listening to the Lord and His correction, and have a hardened heart to Him, how in the world do you expect to be able to love someone as they should be loved? You can't.

So, here I find myself- my world about to get completely shifted by the Lord. All I can do is praise Him for not giving up on me, and cling to Him during this adjustment time. The fact that He is still working on me is encouraging enough :)