But, It's Hard

As I wrote yesterday, God has me in this place where I am walking through some really hard stuff relationship wise.

One part of this is addressing areas of hurt that happened years ago. I'm not certain that it is going to involve dissecting each and every little thing that happened, but it will definitely involve me actively humbling myself and trying to empathize with the other person's point of view. Trying to love them and hear them, even though I have adamantly felt like they were the one that ultimately did wrong for a long time.  

The other part is within a relationship where there is constant conflict. Yet, God is not giving me permission to do what I am best at: walking running away. He is telling me that He will fight for me, as it says in Exodus 14:14, and that I am to be still. He is telling me that I don't have to defend myself and He is showing me that although this conflict hurts me over and over, I still have a huge role in the situation.

Did mention that this is going to be hard? Oh, I did? Well, I just wanted to make sure it was clear.
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Sometimes, I think that maybe if I can convince God that what He's asking of me is too hard, then He'll let me off the hook. But, it doesn't really work that way. Life on this side of eternity is supposed to be hard. That happened long ago, when Adam and Eve sinned. God didn't throw in the towel though. He didn't say, "Okay, Adam. Okay, Eve. You messed up. But, life outside the garden is going to be too hard for you. So..... let's just ignore what happened and you can stay. Okay? But, just try not to do that again."

Nope. They were evicted.

So, I think about that and the hard things I'm about to walk right through.

And then I'm reminded of something a friend told me this week. Psalm 23:4 says, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." 

David didn't say "Even though I walk around the darkest valley..."

Through.

We walk through things. But our comfort in this is that God is WITH us. 

Does that sound familiar? That was what the pastor was talking about on Sunday. God is not going to tell us to go through something without being right there with us through it all.

That's how He rolls. 
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So, no. I can't skip the hard stuff. 

But, I can go through it with an awesome God.

Relationships

Relationships.

They are hard.

And I'm not just talking about dating relationships.

I'm talking about people. They are hard to deal with.

I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to deal with, but I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with me. So, let's set that one aside.
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I was sharing with my friend tonight something that kinda makes me sound like a jerk.

You see, the thing is... I don't really like being around people that much.

I like people. Usually specific people. And I like fun. And I also like laughing and making memories and all that jazz.

But, when you throw in the whole need to be around people to experience those things, sometimes I change my mind. Sometimes I would rather stay at home all day. In my room. Making art and playing with my cats.

Wow. I sound like such a hermit!!!
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Here's some hope that I can hold on to: God knew I was going to be this way before I was born. He has a purpose in my anti-social desires. He knows exactly whose path I am going to cross that needs to meet me. Or that I need to meet. And we will share a moment. And if it weren't for my struggles with being social, maybe we never would have been able to connect.

God also can (and does) use this to challenge me. I have to depend on Him for road trips and long outtings or day trips with people. I know that I won't make it out alive and/or still on speaking terms with my traveling buddies without Him guiding me and helping me to love people.
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I am right now in a season of refinement. I am being stretched beyond my comfort zone.  Waaaay beyond my comfort zone. I have to fight the instinct that I have that tells me to emotionally shut down during a conflict. It tells me to act like I don't care at all in order to try to protect myself. But, it keeps me from connecting with people. It shuts people out. It prevents me from experiencing God in an intimate way.

And He is telling me to stop.

He is telling me to be humble. And to listen. And maybe.... just maybe.... I can actually get something out of all of this.

Relationships are hard. Much harder than I anticipated. But, God has told me that He is going to help me navigate all of this.

Because He's cool like that.

Unwinding and Destressing... Kid-Style

This is the fifth post in a series for #NonstopNovember. If you need/want to catch up with the other posts this month, you can click here and it will bring you to those included in the series.
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I have a fairly easy job. Well, once I got into the swing of things anyways. I get to play with two funny, beautiful little girls. One is two and quite easily one of my best friends. The other is a new addition to our secret club and loves to laugh and smile.

As easy and fun as it is 99% of the time, there are always those days, when I'm feeling a little funky or when one of the girls is a little off her game. Today, was in that 1%. The older girl was super wound up from being kinda cooped up this morning, and still adjusting to daylight savings time. And when I got there, she was just sort of pinging around like a bouncy ball in a hallway. And baby sis needed to be fed right away. So began my work week.

The cool thing about my job? Naptime. No matter how my day is going, I have a guaranteed time of quiet. I try my hardest so that both girls are sleeping at the same time so that I can unwind and quiet my brain. Today was one of those days when I really, really needed it.
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Usually, I'll read or watch a movie on Netflix. Sometimes, I'll have stuff to work on that I busy myself with-- stuff that doesn't involve Elmo and crayons and bubbles.

Today, I spend an hour playing with a dollhouse. It's okay for you to laugh at me. I laughed a little when I told The Man about it. But, here's the thing about that dollhouse: I spent about 30 minutes rearranging the furniture. and then another 30 minutes playing with the people in all the rooms.

It was so relaxing, to just be able to be a kid again.

Well, until the real kids woke up...

I Am With You

This is the fourth post in a series for #NonstopNovember. If you need/want to catch up with the other posts this month, you can click here and it will bring you to those included in the series.
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My church has been in a series for the past few months called "Here to Serve." The angle is not why we should be serving but more the heart of the type of serving that God desires. Let me just tell you. It has been incredible.

Today, God was clearly speaking to me. I'm convinced that this is just the beginning for me. I can feel God stirring something up in me that will have long-lasting results.

Our pastor today started with asking us, "How do you know if you're serving the Lord well?" He said that so much of the time, we live as if we need to serve for God. But, the tricky things is that when we make serving into something we do for God, it is an obligation.

Then he shared a number of scriptures of God asking people to do specific things and asked us to pay attention to what stuck out in all of the passages. See if you can see what sticks out. I'll make it easy for you, even!
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Genesis 31:1-3 "Jacob heard that Laban’s sons were saying, “Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father.” And Jacob noticed that Laban’s attitude toward him was not what it had been. Then the Lord said to Jacob, “Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I will be with you.”

 Exodus 3:11-12 "But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”

Joshua 1:5-6 "No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them."
 
Judges 6:15-16 "“Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.”

2 Samuel 7:8-9 "Now then, tell my servant David, ‘This is what the Lord Almighty says: I took you from the pasture, from tending the flock, and appointed you ruler over my people Israel. I have been with you wherever you have gone, and I have cut off all your enemies from before you. Now I will make your name great, like the names of the greatest men on earth."

Jeremiah 1:7-9 "But the Lord said to me, 'Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the Lord. Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, 'I have put my words in your mouth.'"

Luke 1:27-28 "The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, 'Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.'"

Matthew 28:19-20 "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” 

Acts 18:9-11 "One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: 'Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.' So Paul stayed in Corinth for a year and a half, teaching them the word of God."
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Did you see it? It was never about what they were called to do. There was something else. Every time He called them, He promised that He would go WITH them.

God wants to use us to change the world. But He wants to do it with us.

I need to remind myself that it isn't just about inviting God into what I am doing, but joining in with Him in what He is already doing. Cause He is. He is always working in and through and around us. And He wants us to be a part of it.

Two Month Mark

This is the third post in a series for #NonstopNovember. If you need/want to catch up with the other posts this month, you can click here and it will bring you to those included in the series.
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The end of July, I got a message from a guy. I was skeptical at first that us meeting and getting to know each other would go beyond friends. Yet, here we are, two months into a for-real adult relationship. People, it's hard. It's difficult in ways that I never thought.

I've never been in a relationship where I argue with the guy. And not just disagree on what movie to watch. Like the ugly stuff. The stuff when as soon as something comes out of your mouth you think, "Wow. Did I really just say that?!?"

And that's hard.

Because you love the person, but they sometimes drive you crazy at the same time. But, because of your love for them, you don't give up. And they don't give up. You decide that you're in it together.

And once you've reached that point of deciding that the relationship is worth fighting for, a few things happen:

The first is that you start seeing things about the other person that you're convinced need to change. These are not necessarily non-negotiables, but just the "Oh.... I didn't realize that they did that" stuff. Important tidbit: it's not our job to change them!! We are dating who they are now, not who we want them to be. All we can do is tell them how it makes us feel. It is up to them to decide if they are willing to change. And it is up to us to decide if we are willing to stick around while they sort that stuff out.

The second thing (and to me, the most important thing) that happens is we start to see ourselves much more clearly. Please don't miss this. I am not talking about the good things. Hopefully, if we are in a relationship, we are able to have confidence in who we are already and are not dependent on another person for that. What I am talking about is the ugly parts of our heart. The spiteful, manipulative, mean things that we can do. In most cases, this stuff comes out when we feel wounded. That stuff is so hard. We can be blinded by just how awful we can be..... until someone is put in our lives to figuratively hold a mirror up. And then we can see clearly. And we can choose to change for the better. Not because we have to, but because we know that God loves us in spite of how we are. And His desire is for us to mirror Him, not some selfish, entitled person.

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 What God has been showing me in all of this are two things:

1. Keep inviting Him in.
From the beginning, anytime I have asked God what to do, or what He thinks about the relationship, He has simply told me, "Keep inviting me in." So we do. We pray regularly together. We are open with each other about our struggles, and beyond that, we take them to God together. That right there...Him being part of this... is what has kept this relationship going.
 
2. I need Him in order for this to work.
As the quote above says, when I'm squeezed, the real Lindsay-Marie comes out. That is the one that makes cutting remarks or snaps at Jeff or interrupts or.... well, is just kinda mean. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always mean. Jeff isn't always mean. We actually are very loving toward each other and seek ways to serve one another and act as a team. But, when we're fighting, in those squeezing moments, it's as if we are completely different people. And I need God to help me with this. I need Him to show me how to love Jeff when he's being mean. And I need Him to show me how to quiet my tongue when I've been hurt. I just need Him.

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That man right there. He loves me. And I love him. And two months may be a short period of time to some, but to us it has been two months of ups and downs and sometimes just plain hard work! So, we celebrate each small step, knowing that it will encourage us to keep taking steps forward.

Make VA Smile

This is the second post in a series for #NonstopNovember. If you need/want to catch up with the other posts this month, you can click here and it will bring you to those included in the series.
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My friend and I were inspired by Make DC Smile's attempt at bringing happiness and a positive moment to the commuters in the DC/Metro area. We thought to ourselves, "Why not bring that love and positivity to Lynchburg?!?"

So, last Tuesday, we met at 7:30a to greet the 8am commute with encouraging signs.

Here's the thing, people. I am not a morning person. Like, at all. I'm not necessarily a night-owl, either. I just like quiet. It is SO not my thing to be holding a sign on a street corner and genuinely smiling at 7:30 in the morning. But, I pushed myself to do it because I told my friend I would go last week and well.... I had already made the signs.

But, wow. Once people smile, and wave and honk their horns to say, "What up! I like your sign!" it makes it SO worth it. This was a post we had on our Facebook page last week:

Yesterday as I was driving to work, I was deep in thought and up to my eyeballs in stress. I had already spilled my entire coffee all over Panera's floor and was pretty overwhelmed with what needed to be accomplished that day. I drove by 3 ladies standing on the corner of a busy street who were holding signs encouraging motorists. I instantly got choked up and then started smiling. My load seemed a little lighter and my countenance changed. Who goes that far out of their way to encourage people?! I was pretty amazed and uplifted by those women standing outside of Taco Bell. Thank you, you made a difference.

That right there. That is why this weekend, I'm going to paint another sign for a woman who wants to join us next week. Because it uplifts the people that read them as they're still recovering from having to wake up and go to work. Someone may be on their way to a job that they hate. Or maybe they're on their way to the unemployment office. Or maybe they're a boss and have to lay off some employees. But what a difference a small bit of joy can do.

It's also not just about the commuters. Sure, it brightens their day, but it also lifts us up. We're able to enjoy one another, chat, laugh, and have private very public dance parties while we wave at people. What would your day be like if the first thing you did was go out and encourage someone? Believe me when I say it will brighten your own day as well. It may not feel like that when you peel your head off your pillow and splash water on your face.... but it will.

So think about it this way: You don't have to hold a sign on a street corner to encourage people. You can give hugs, hand out cards, send thank you notes, etc. There are SO many ways to encourage people that don't include standing in the cold in the morning. Challenge yourself to go out of your way to bring a smile to other people's faces.

If you would like to keep tabs on what we're doing here in Virginia to make our people smile, please like our Facebook page here :)

Self-Worth

 Today is the first day of November. This means a few things. First, we are in the second-to-last month of 2012. What the heck!? Where did time go? Second, rent is due. These days, having to pay bills just reminds me that I have a place to live and a job and then I just thank God for that. The third thing this day means to me is that is starts my favorite time of year. It is a time when men (and sadly some women) band together to toss their razors aside and grow facial hair. I've heard it called many things. Novembeard and No Shave November are among the top. For the truest of lumberjacks, they will keep No Shave November going all the way through Very Hairy February and won't pick up a razor until March 1st.

Lastly, this day also signifies Nonstop November. In short, you pick something and do it for the entire month of November. 30 days of something.

Now this is far from trending on Twitter, but look at the response. That's pretty cool, if you ask me.

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So, in honor of the first day of #NonstopNovember, I will begin by sharing something that happened this morning and what I feel like God is trying to show me through it.

First of all, it's important to know that I hate being late, and I also hate being in trouble (which sometimes happens when you're late). Knowing that, you will know how frustrated I am that I have been late to work three times this week. Late. To work. Not to meet friends. Not to the gym. To work. Ugh.

On Monday, the first time it happened, it was because I couldn't get out of my driveway. It took me 10 minutes to get out of the driveway, and was, therefore, 10 minutes late to work. The very next day, I woke up 5 minutes before I had to be at work. I made it there in 13 minutes flat. But.... still late. I realized on the way to work that I wasn't going to give excuses or explain anything. It didn't matter. I was late, and I am not supposed to be. So, when my boss was leaving his house and paused to say, "I need you to be here on time. Okay? I just need you to be here on time," I just said, "Okay. I'm sorry." Then I cried when he left (because of the whole "being in trouble" thing).

So, today. I got up on time. I left the house with enough time to be at least 5  minutes early to work. It didn't take me 13 minutes to get to work. It took me almost 30. What? Yep. Every light I came to turned red. And every turn I took, there was a person leisurely driving, as if there wasn't a crazed maniac driving behind them. When I got to work, I was so frustrated that I was crying. I reassured my boss that I wasn't doing it on purpose.

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As soon as he left, I started asking God, "Okay. Where's the lesson?" I was completely aware that the lesson may not be spiritual at all. I may just need to leave a lot earlier from my house. But.... I know God can use anything to teach. So, I just waited.

And then I was reminded of something God had been showing me already- for the past month or so.

My significance and self-worth do not change based on my mistakes and what people may think of me.

I have been slowly going through Search for Significance with a friend for a bit. I say slowly, because there is so much content where I have to stop and just meditate and take it all in. One of the things that has been shown to me is that I give specific people in my life too much access to my confidence. I allow their responses or reactions or corrections determine how much I feel like I'm worth.

This is not okay.

Why? Because if a person is responding to a mistake that I've made, or a sin that I have committed, then it doesn't necessarily change how they view me. It certainly doesn't change anything about how God views me. Therefore, it shouldn't change how I view myself.

What I got out of today is this:

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." (Colossians 1:21-22)

When my friend read that to me, I said, "I have that now, right?" (The reconciliation part) And I do. And nothing I do or don't do can change that. I can be late to work  50,000 more times and it will not change one ounce of what God thinks of me. It may cause me to lose my job at some point, but God will not think any less of me. My boss may question me and ask me what's going on, but it doesn't make me worth less in his eyes.

That is the absolute truth.

My friend today told me that it was good that I was recognizing all of this, but wanted to know how I was going to change the thoughts going on.

The answer? Combat the lies with a truth. Straight from scripture.

So, those verses (Colossians 1:21-22) are being written down and put in my Jeep somewhere. So that if there is a next time of me being late, I can meditate in traffic about my worth in Christ. And when I get to work (or wherever I am headed), instead of thinking self-condemning thoughts, I can meditate on the truth that is found in Paul's letter. Now He has reconciled me by Christ's physical body through death to present me holy in His sight. And by now, he means now.

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What is something God is teaching you about how you view yourself?