Thursday, October 6, 2011

To air out dirty laundry or not to air out dirty laundry…

What does that phrase even mean? Like letting everyone see the stains and flaws that the laundry hasn’t taken care of. Censoring yourself? I think that being careless with your words and being transparent are two different things. So, is airing out your dirty laundry on a blog okay? What if you don’t turn it into this angry tirade? What if you control your words and just report facts and feelings— no judgments against other people, or slander?

I’ve always done my best to be honest on every blog I’ve written on. You can see that if you go back. I’ve talked about my drinking issues, I’ve talked about my insecurities with leadership, I’ve discussed revealed that I am moving. But, a long time ago (and since I’ve made my blog more public), I haven’t really discussed my relationship ins and outs.

Today, I’m kind of venturing into territory that some people won’t. I’m going to reveal a vulnerable part of me that most don’t see. No worries, I’m not going to sling others’ names in the mud, or go into too much detail. Because that really isn’t relevant. What is relevant is what I’m feeling and what I’m going to do with those feelings.

Truth time: After a year-long relationship, I am now single and feeling quite wounded about how it all went down. When people hurt me, I usually get angry and put up a front. Instead of being able to admit that I’ve been hurt (betrayed, deceived, lied to, etc.), I get angry that the person hurt me. It’s a lot easier for me to deal with anger than to deal with the hurt. Anger is an emotion that we can cope with in different ways. We can run from the root of the anger— that we are wounded.

“Anger is the fluid that love bleeds when it gets cut.”
-C.S. Lewis

An old lesson from a Bible study I used to go to was on anger. The leader that was teaching said that when we are feeling angry we need to ask ourselves, “Am I angry because I am being wounded, or because something is morally wrong?” Even when Jesus was being mocked and beaten (morally wronged), He was still actively pursuing restoration. How’s that for a kick in the face?

So, what I need to ask myself is what I’m going to do with my wounds. Am I going to try to hurt the person that hurt me? Am I going to get bitter towards men in general and “swear off dating,” move to a convent (I always swear I will after a break-up), or be a light for Jesus?

Tough decision— especially when a few of those are the easier things to do. I think the best I can do in this season is just to keep my eyes on Jesus. He knows what I need. He knows what’s best. He can show me how to still show love to someone who hurt me.


  1. Sorry to hear that, sounds like you will have a fresh start and a clean slate with no attachments to hold you back--sky's the limit!!!

  2. I admire you for your honesty. Some things are very hard to admit to yourself, much less to others.