Breakthrough..

Sometimes we just need some time to digest what has been given to us. Death is a big pill to swallow, and sometimes it is shoved in your face with no warning.

My last post explained how God was shielding me from having to deal with everything all at once.

But since then? I've been trying to process things in my own way, but also asking God to show me how to grieve. I know that there is no "right way" to process and accept someone's death- especially when they've been close to you. But, the girl who wants to do things the right way the first time actual googled "How to Grieve." I mean.... if I'm gonna do this "grief" thing, then I want to make sure I'm following all the guidelines.

What? There are none? But....oh. Well, I guess that changes things. I guess that means that, once again, I am going to need to rely on God to show me every step to take and every area to press into. Because if I know one thing, it's that God wants freedom for me.

God is for me. He is not just rooting for me in the stands though. He is in front of me... pulling me along. He is next to me... holding my hand. He is behind me... pushing me forward. He is under me... making the times I fall maybe be a little less harsh. And He is over me... seeing farther in front of me than I can imagine so that He can guide me.

God is for me.

So, in the middle of this... mess? Emotions? Sadness? Whatever you want to call it... in the middle of it, God pushed me forward to express to my father the words that I could not. I never got to say goodbye to him. I was in my Jeep, driving towards him, but still eight hours away. My sister and brother and aunt... they were all able to see him one last time. So, I never got to say the things that I wanted to... the things that people have stored up inside them just in case "that moment" comes when you have seconds to say goodbye.
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God helped me write this song:

"To See You Again"
Yesterday you were tucking me in
Making up stories to get me to sleep
In the blink of an eye
I was learning to drive
Watching you disappear
As I drive away

I miss you and what could have been
I need you here holding my hand
Why'd you leave me? I wanted quite done
Daddy, I'd give anything to see you again.

Yesterday we were on the phone
Talking 'bout nothing but saying a lot
You didn't quite know
What to do with me
But every now and then
Your love was enough

I miss you and what could have been
I need you here holding my hand
Why'd you leave me? I wasn't quite done
Daddy, I'd give anything to see you again.

Days go by
I'm left asking why
I had to let go
Cause you seemed so young...

I miss you and what could have been
I need you here holding my hand
Why'd you leave me? I wasn't quite done.
Daddy, I'd give anything to see you again.
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I'm not at the finish line. But, writing that piece of music... that was a HUGE step towards healing for me. Huge.