I realize that I haven't written in a while. Usually that means that I am avoiding an issue, since writing helps me process. This time, however, I think it just needed to step back and process a large amount of emotions.
And now, two weeks later, I am ready to share....
Two basic things are weighing on me heart, both of which I will share:
1. I am lonely.
2. I feel like I am grieving incorrectly.
I am going to address the first one first.... mostly because it just feels like the right thing to do. I have not had to make friends in a long time. I can't remember the last time I wasn't "involved" in some "activity" (okay, not necessary to use quotations, but I wanted to). When I was 5, I started playing soccer (that lasted until I was 16). When I was 6 or 7 I joined the Girl Scouts (that lasted way beyond when it was considered cool). I did Odyssey of the Mind in Elementary School, volunteered with the Special Olympics in Middle School, and started playing in the band when I was 13.
I realize that looks like maybe I'm bragging, but that's not my intention. I'm almost 30 (GASP!!!), and for the past 25 years, I've been busy being involved in activities. In college, Marching Band took up a lot of time, and I joined a Book Club when I moved back to OH in 2006, then dove into being involved in church.... what is the pattern? Nothing negative... Just a busy girl with.....and here's the point... a TON of opportunities to make new friends, develop them, pour into people, and be poured into as well.
All that to say that I've tried to reconnect with college friends, met new people, get involved at church (without committing until God tells me, "This... go for this!"), and plug in. I have lived here for two months and one day. I have a few people I can hang out with, but my heart wants more. I want flesh and blood people that I can call and make spontaneous plans with, or cry with, or go for walks or get into mischief or have adventures with.... because that's what life is all about, right?
So, I want that. Sometimes, our prayers are simple.
So, here I am asking, "God: Can you please provide friends? Thank you."
Now for the second one.
I have heard people say (and I have said it as well!) that everyone grieves differently. Some grieve quickly, some slowly, some avoid, some work hard to tackle issues.
I feel like I'm not doing it correctly.
I feel like I have so much more to say that I'm saying. Like tons. But, sometimes all that comes out is the same phrases/sentences that I am just repeating.... as if filling in the space with words that don't quite express how I'm feeling is better than saying nothing at all. Or worse, what if I can't stop talking/crying/stammering/getting that deer-in-the-headlights look? So, sometimes I just say "I don't know what to do." And people are okay with that. They accept the fact that I have NO clue how to grieve the death of my father. I feel like it would be easier if I were back home in OH. I could call my old pastor (who knows me quite well) or my old lay counselor (who walked me through two years of counseling) or one of my amazing friends... and then I could just talk and not have to explain the family dynamics or who my father and I weren't close the past few years or why I feel so confused all the time.
So... that's it. I have no plan. I just am admitting that I have NO idea what I'm doing. I just need to invite God into this mess and know/trust/believe that He will show up. He who raises the dead and heals people of crazy diseases and spoke the world into existence... He is going to show up and walk me through this. Because going back to Ohio and doing this the easy way is simply not an option right now.