Monday, May 7, 2012

A Platform for a "Moses"

I first felt God giving me a platform when I was a counselor at a camp in college. The Director heard me playing the piano and singing and asked me to lead worship to mix things up. I immediately told her no. At that point, I had played piano twice in public. I was plagued with stage fright and severe anxiety about getting up on stage and having a group of people looking at me.

I felt conviction later that day as I spent time in the Bible and prayed. God used the story of Moses and his fears of inadequacy to show me that it wasn't about how I felt, but about God wanting to use me for His Glory and Purpose.

It took all summer, but eventually, I led worship (once) for camp.

Fast forward seven or so years.

I was heavily involved in a small group in Columbus, OH and felt God leading me to go through the church's Worship Training Center. I wasn't sure what God was going to do, but I knew that I was going to say, "Yes" to whatever it was. I ended up doing the very thing I fought years earlier. Me and my guitar this time. We led worship, led people to the throne for a while at that small group.

But God started stirring something else in my heart.

He began revealing that I was going to be more of a leader, with a bigger platform. It scared the crap out of me, but I kept saying, "Yes."

What I didn't know was that a year after I started leading worship, I would be assuming the role of "small group leader." Our original group split in two. I stepped up and walked through a season of struggling through loving people in my group through some hard times.

For the first few months, I went back and forth between fighting the call of leadership God placed in my life and obediently walking it out all the while despising what I felt like God was forcing me to do.

In between struggling with God and despising His will, there were moments when I actually enjoyed doing what I knew God was leading me to.

After a year, the members of our group were called in different directions and we disbanded.

Six months ago, I moved to Virginia. If you haven't read that post, or need a refresher, read this.

I dove in head first, being intentional about relationships and getting involved at church.

Pretty soon, I felt God again pushing me, pulling me and prodding me towards a platform again. Once again, I wasn't interested. I just came from having responsibility. I didn't want anymore. I wanted to coast. I wanted a break.

But, God wanted something else.

He wanted me to open my heart to those around me. He wanted me to share how I ran from Him and then He called me back and poured out His grace on me. He wanted me to be a light that spoke of the depth of His grace and forgiveness..... and how if we run from Him, we don't come back empty-handed. He wanted me to stand up and say, "There is more" and "He is worth it."

The issue with these platforms that He has called me to is that it makes me so aware of my insecurities and inadequacies. I sometimes ramble and scramble to articulate what I'm trying to say. I fumble and stumble over words that are meant to be concise.

But, didn't the same thing happen to Moses? Did God say, "Oh, whoops, I forgot that you aren't the greatest speaker. You're right... let's just let someone else do this thing." No!

God used Moses anyways. Why? Because it's not about the person on the platform. It's about God, who places the person on the platform. And, the more they dim themselves, the brighter God can shine through them.

Something I learned this weekend as I Emceed my first wedding is that I am able to communicate in a different way and reach the audience in a different way because of who God made me. He could have made me the best public speaker, or without ADD, or without social anxiety. But, He didn't. And because He didn't, I am able to point all the glory to Him when things go well.

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