Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Depression Part Four: As if My Life Depends on It

It all started with this post, where I outed myself as being in the middle of a bout with depression.Then this post was the follow-up, explaining what depression looks like specifically in my life (although it's different for everyone). Then, last week, something was stirring in me. Something good. That's where this one came in to play.

Now, here I am, facing the possibility of moving to a country in Asia. Without a support system. Without a church community. Knowing a few people that live there, but no close ties to anyone.

And yet, here I am. Scrambling, clawing, fighting my way to try to navigate through this season of depression. Wondering, "How am I going to cut it over there? Am I going to make it?"

And all I know is what God has said to me.

You need to be working through this depression, pressing in, and walking out joy as if your life depends on it.

As if my life depends on it.

I need to be checking my heart, keeping those things which can be destructive at an arms length. To protect my heart.

I need to be searching for truth, finding practical ways that I can walk out the joy of my salvation. To stay upright in my walk.

I need to be praying and seeking God's heart in all of this. To ensure my heart is safely wrapped in His.

As if my life depends on it.

Because it will. And it does now.

My life depends on it.

My life depends on the Lord. He is the air I breathe. He is the beat of my heart. He is the strength of my life.

And if I am going to go into a place that is spiritually darker than it is where I currently am, with nothing but my cat, I have to be doing these things already. South Korea isn't going to make me so desperate that I cling to Him. It's going to make me question and wonder and possible stray.

The desperation that will motivate me to sprint towards the Lord and superglue my sad and broken heart to His needs to come from knowing Him. It needs to come from seeing His power and might and strength and knowing that in an instant, I could be plucked from the earth. That the only thing that keeps me from being flung into outerspace is the gravity that God created. That the only reason I am alive is because He has a purpose for me.

And so, I step towards Him. I take a stand against depression. I reach towards my Creator.

Because my life does, in fact, depend on it.

Psalm 73:21-26 "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

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