Thursday, June 21, 2012

Depression Part Three: A Glimmer of Hope

When I first wrote about being depressed, I never thought it would turn into a series. I was just trying to be real about what was going on with me. I also didn't expect it to last as long as it has. But, here I am on post three, baring a little bit more of myself to you, pressing in to the Lord, and praying that until I am healed of this that I can at least be effective for The Kingdom in the middle of it.

It all started with this post, where I outed myself as being in the middle of a bout with depression.Then this post was the follow-up, explaining what depression looks like specifically in my life (although it's different for everyone).

Where am I right now? Better, but not there yet.

I was doing my daily Pinterest viewing when I came across this post from The Redheaded Hostess. I am nothing else if not the creative, artistic type. It's just how my brain works. It is hard for me to just read words. I need pictures, color, and graphics. I need things categorized and itemized. And I need to walk through doing all this myself so that my brain will absorb it all. That's just how I roll.

So, in light of my recent battle with depression, I decided that focusing on one topic would be beneficial to my spiritual growth. After praying about it, I felt like "JOY" would be an appropriate topic.

So, I made a new journal, blank pages and all and dove in.

After just two days on this topic, God has already been so faithful.

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One of the things He has shown me is that I do not have to feel joy in order to rejoice. There is a big difference between the two.

I was at the doctor a few years ago. It was winter, and my asthma was making me miserable. I thought that I had bronchitis, but my asthma was the source of all my issues. I went to the doctor for a diagnosis, and for some tips on getting better (and hopefully a note to be off work for a few days to recover). What he told me was that I needed another inhaler. I only used that one in dire circumstances, and surely didn't want another one. So I told my doctor, "I don't want more medicine. Can't you just make me better without the medicine?" "That's not how it works," he said, "You have to use this inhaler twice a day, and that will help. If you don't use it, you won't get better." "What about a way to get better without the medicine? What homeopathic remedy is there? I don't want to take medicine. I just want to get better." "Lindsay, I am telling you how to get better. You are not hearing. Listen to your breathing and coughing. You are miserable. I am trying to help you. I can't just make you better. You have to take the medicine."

Have you ever had a conversation like that? Where someone is telling you what to do to help you, but you think you can't do what they're saying because they haven't helped you yet? Is it just me? Maybe I'm the only one that avoids medicine like the plague, but I'm sure everyone at some point in time has been in a similar situation.

Here's the conversation I've been having with God recently about JOY:

Me: "God, give me joy."
God: "Okay, then rejoice. Walk out joy."
Me: "But, I can't rejoice if I don't have joy. I want joy!"
God: "Listen to me... I am telling you how!"
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In the Old Testament, one of the Hebrew words for JOY is "teruwah." This word is the equivalent of a battle or war cry. Not a celebration, but a shout as you are going into battle.

What God is telling me to do right now is to rejoice, and as I rejoice with my teruwah, He will give me joy.

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