Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Running at School Will Land You in the Hospital

(Told in seven scenes)

Once upon a time, I was clumsy. The truth is that I was born clumsy. I literally fell out of my mother's womb. But, that is a story for another day. This story takes  place in Middle School.

Like most children, I thought that rules were to be followed, unless you felt like they didn't apply to you. Like say, if you needed a little help on your Spanish vocabulary test. It would be okay to cheat...just a little. Or, if there was a dire emergency and you needed to tell your BFF what their crush said about them in the hall. Then, it was perfectly acceptable to pass a note in history class.

Or if you were goofing around with a friend in the hall. And you accidentally hurt you friend. And you are scared for your life. It's okay to run in the halls then, right?


Scene 1 starts with my tall friend and I arguing over a light switch in our homeroom.

She wanted to turn off the lights. I also wanted to turn them off. Since there was one switch and two hands, this led to an argument. I felt an urgent need to turn off the light. My brain was all like, "If you don't get to turn off the lights, you will DIIIIIEEEEEEE!" So, I pressed in. Eventually, fisticuffs were had and I ended up moving hitting her hand.

When I hit her hand, her hand hit the light switch.

When her hand hit the light switch, it cut her hand.


Scene 2 is me running for my life.

I should mention that my friend wasn't just tall compared to me. She was tall compared to a lot of people.

I should also mention that I was on the short side. I didn't stop growing until college, so I was about five years behind this already tall friend. As soon as I saw her hand hit the light switch and heard her shriek, my life flashed before my eyes.

I took off running. My heart was beating out of my chest and I knew that I would probably die of cardiac arrest before my friend ever caught up to me with her tall person legs.


Scene 3 is me crashing and burning.

We were headed into band class. The entrance to band was right next to the door to the courtyard. Becuase it was winter and people would cut through the courtyard, snow and water were often tracked into the halls and then into the band room entrance. When I rounded the corner into band class, I slipped on water.

This is where it gets really exciting.

As I slipped on the water, my legs shot out from underneath me in one direction, while the rest of body moved in the opposite direction. Because I was running, it wasn't just an "Ooops! I seemed to somehow slipped on the ground. Silly me!" I was propelled with force forward. Into the wall. At a speed that was greater than what you would want to be hurled into a wall at.

If my completely scientific calculations are correct (and they always are), then I was roughly moving at the speed of a cheetah. That is fast.


Scene 4 is the slo-mo of what happened due to my body being propelled into the wall. This is based on science and what all my injuries were. I don't actually remember any of this, fyi.

1. My head hit the wall.
2. My right shoulder hit the wall.
3. The rest of my body hit the wall.
4. My body hit the ground.
5. My head hit the floor.

Then I my entire body rebelled against the pain and trauma the I had just inflicted. My arms, legs, spine, and head tried to simultaneously run away, without realizing that they were all attached, and wouldn't be able to get anywhere fast.

That is what was really going on, but to an outsider it would look like a seizure.

Scene 5 is me laying on the ground like an invalid until the ambulance arrived.

I remember looking up and seeing a few faces that appeared concerned and were probably thinking that they could somehow help my sorry self.

I was embarrassed from the whole incident and just wanted to go home, but I couldn't get up. So, I just laid there and waited, thankful that I at least hadn't peed or crapped my pants.

Scene 6 is the ambulance coming to the school. This part is a complete blur This part is a haze of chunks of lost time, so I'll just make it up.

Ryan Gosling and Patrick Dempsey rolled up in their Ambulance. Even the rig they drove looked hot. Fog poured into the band room as the door flew open. Confetti shot out of a cannon and I wondered if I was passed out and this was part of a dream.

Once I saw Ryan and Patrick, I knew that it was really happening. I mean, why wouldn't two amazinghottalented actors come to the rescue of a socially awkward Middle Schooler that quite possible had a concussion and an injured shoulder? It had to be real.

I laid on the floor while Ryan and Patrick checked my vitals. They both fought over who was going to put a neck brace on me, and ended up getting in a slap-fight over it.

In the end, they compromised. Ryan held my head in place and Patrick secured the brace.

Then they loaded me up in the Ambulance and we headed for the hospital.


Scene 7 is a synopsis of the hospital stay, doctors' appointments and diagnosis.

I was in the hospital for two days as they tried to figure out the source of the seizure. I also went to see a specialist that glued all these wires to my head to record brain activity. That lasted for two days, because the first day they forgot to record the findings (which basically gave me an extra day off school).

I was diagnosed with nothing. I had brain trauma, and the seizure was my body's way of dealing with it. They thought I had a blood clot in my brain (which I didn't find out about until five years later, because my mom forgot to tell me), but that turned out to be a shadow.

I returned to school sore, but not broken.

Because of that whole incident, the Middle School changed their policy about using the courtyard to cut through for class. It was completely off-limits. Way to go, me.

And that is why if you run at school, you will end up in the hospital.

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