Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Warning: Emotional Post

You were warned :)

So, the point of this blog is not to just post the good and joyful. I think it is also important to be honest about the more ugly and frustrating things that have been going on as well.

If you want only sunshine and glitter, best not continue...


Maybe it's because it's almost 4 am.

Maybe it's because I have been working hard to be creative and earn some extra money and have been staying up late since I moved here.

No matter the reason, I am crying. I miss my family. I miss my friends in Ohio. I miss the fact that I know that it feels like Christmas up there, while it's 50 degrees down here. I know, I know.... I'm coming home in two days, so I should probably just simmer down, drink a glass of water and go to bed.

But, one of the projects I have been working on feverishly the past few days are a little "Christmas Cheer" from me to a few people in Ohio (and a few outside of Ohio). I made each postcard by hand, collaging, gluing, writing, and loving. I wanted each and every person to feel my love from however many miles away I am. Gifts to me are personal, and with these cards goes a little piece of me.

--------------------preview of postcards--------------------

I love recycling old things to make new ones :) These are made from leftover gift bags/wrapping paper and ribbon. See those triangles (that are supposed to be mountains)? Those are water-colored pages of a book I got a Goodwill :) I. Love. Art.

As I have been sitting here writing notes on each one, I've been trying to come up with a few sentences that communicate how much I care about people, how much I miss people, how much I want to just hug them forever. I'm writing these phrases, and smiley faces, and exclamation marks. It's slowly sinking in. I'm not on vacation. I moved. I'm gone. This is it.

And, yes, there is excitement with stepping out into what God has for me. There is joy in knowing that I am exactly where He wants me to be at exactly the right time (even if I don't quite know the specifics yet). But, there is also a certain type of longing for what is comfortable. When the dust settles and you look in the mirror and stare at your reflection and realize.... this is it. I moved. I'm gone.

I can trace the roads back to Ohio with my finger on a map. I can drive there in a weekend. But I cannot get in my Jeep and drive 30 minutes to my Grammy's house. Or 40 minutes to see my Mommy when I really need her. And, there's no way I'm possibly going to run into someone I know at the Kroger down the street.... because I don't know anyone in this neighborhood yet! It's in those moments of realization that I see it. I see the truth that I'm gone. I moved. This is it.

I wrote a song a few months ago about my journey back to where God and I left off:

When I walked away five years ago,
I thought I could live life all on my own.
I thought I could make my own dreams come true,
On a twisted path far from You.

But the road was dark and frightening
And I didn't know which way to turn.
I lost the freedom that I once had
As I became prisoner to my own sin.

In the distance I hear You calling...

My darling girl, I have more for you-
More than you could know.
I could bless you endlessly,
If you would just come back home.
So I took a deep breath,
And I took my first step
Towards living in freedom again.
I reached out to my Savior
As He reached out His hand.

The comfort here in the truth that God continually shows me is that freedom, while amazing, is not without pain. Ripping a band-aid off a healing wound lets it breathe, but boy does it still hurt! I am where I need to be. I am where God told me to go. But going somewhere meant leaving things (and people) behind.

I will now be going to sleep, as it is 4:17am, and it is definitely too late to be thinking about anything else rationally :)

1 comment:

  1. Wow. Do I resonate with some of what you're going through. For me, that journey started five years ago when we moved to Africa. Things have changed since then and that became home. Just like your new home will someday feel like home. It takes time. But two things got me through many challenging 'what have we done?!' moments: 1. Being certain that we were walking in obedience and 2. Knowing that great growth comes when we are OUTSIDE our comfort zones. I want that growth and I'm willing to pay it's sometimes painful price. I think you could say the same. blessings to you friend. :)